Best of Me
by twenty3
Summary: Nick and Greg's relationship was slowly falling apart. Then to top it all off, Nick's kidnapping occurs. What results will either destroy what little they had left of their relationship, or save it if they're willing to sacrfice anything.
1. Broken

I don't anything, this is just my version of what went on during and after 'Grave Danger' relating to Nick and Greg's relationship.

* * *

Greg Sanders laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling above him. He was unable to sleep because his mind wouldn't stop thinking and analyzing every little thing that had been said or done in the last two months. He knew he was probably over reacting, but that didn't ease his mind. It also wouldn't let him fall asleep, because when he did he only dreamt about what was worrying him. Those nightmares had been some of the worst he has ever had, and he preferred not to have them if it wasn't necessary. Sleep wasn't that important to him anymore.

What was important was his strained relationship with his boyfriend of two years. Ever since Conrad Ecklie decided to split up the graveyard team, Greg's relationship with Nick Stokes had slowly began to fall apart. They barely ever saw each other, and when they did they were both too tired to do anything other than sleep. Being on different shifts was extremely difficult and was just adding to the stress that they were already under before the split. Greg becoming a CSI had been part of the reason because it made Nick extremely worried about him despite how proud he was of him. But other than that, Greg didn't know why all of a sudden it seemed like they were nothing more than roomates.

Greg sighed and rolled over onto his side. He tried to close his eyes and get some rest, but sleep relented to come. There was still that awful thought lingering in his mind that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he tried. And the more he thought about it, the more he believed it could be true.

Greg thought that Nick was cheating on him.

The ex-lab rat's suspicion arose a few weeks after the team had been split up. Nick was acting weird and seemed to be walking on egg shells around Greg. He would came home later from work than he usually did and seemed to be avoiding Greg the few times they were in the lab at the same time. On his days off Nick would either go into the lab 'to do paperwork' or would be too tired to hang out with Greg like they used to do. A few times Nick had come home smelling of smoke and alcohol, which was very uncharacteristic of him. Their sex life seemed to be dwindling away as well. Nick was either not in the mood or too tired all the time.

Then this morning Greg had found the credit card receipt from a hotel room for a one night that Nick had paid for. Greg hadn't gone with him. Nick hadn't even mentioned it to him. The more Greg began to piece things together, the more he began to accept the fact that what he had with Nick was too good to be true. Tears stung his eyes, so he squeezed them shut tightly and tried not to think about his worst fear.

He was so concentrated on thinking about anything other than Nick with some other guy, or even a women, that he hadn't heard the front door open and close or the foot steps padding into the bedroom. Greg wasn't aware of Nick's presence until the other man had climbed into their bed behind him and wrapped his arms around Greg's waist. The younger man kept his eyes shut so that Nick wouldn't see that he was crying. But when the Texan kissed his cheek lightly, he tasted the tears and instantly sat up, rolling Greg onto his back in the process.

"What's wrong?" He asked quietly.

Greg opened his eyes and smiled sadly up at Nick. "Nothing, I'm fine."

"No, you're clearly not." Nick brushed away the stray tears remaining underneath Greg's dark brown eyes. "What's the matter?"

"Do you think I should go back to being a DNA tech?" Greg asked.

The question surprised Nick. "No." He said as he shook his head. "You love being a CSI, and you're really good at it. Why would you want to go back in the lab?"

"So I could see you more." Greg answered.

Nick sighed. "That'd be great...but I can't let you do that because I know that's not really what you want. It'll get easier, and I bet soon enough Grissom will get us all back together. Don't worry, everything will be okay."

Greg took Nick wanting him to stay a CSI as Nick wanting to see less of him so he could keep cheating on him. Greg was extremely tired and not thinking as clearly as he normally did. That's why he spoke out without thinking about it first.

"Are you cheating on me?" He asked suddenly.

Nick visibly flinched at that question. He stared down at Greg blanky, unsure that he had understood him correctly.

"Are you cheating on me?" Greg repeated when he didn't get an answer.

Nick shook his head slowly. "Of course not. Why the hell would you think so?"

"Because I never see you anymore, we haven't had sex in a long time, you come home smelling like smoke and Jack Daniel's and got a hotel room for one night when I thought you were working late. It just makes sense I guess...I wouldn't really blame you. I just wanna know the truth."

Nick was still shaking his head. "I would never, ever do that to you. I...don't even know what to say. That hotel room wasn't for me, it was for Warrick. He got in a fight with Tina and didn't wanna go home and was low on cash so I helped him out. As for everything else, I guess it's just cuz I'm as stressed and pissed as you at this shift change. I would never cheat on you G."

More tears started to fall from Greg's eyes. "I'm sorry...I just wish that we cou-"

Greg was cut off by Nick's lips being pressed to his own. Nick kissed him softly and slowly before pulling back slightly and looking Greg directly in the eyes.

"I know this has been tough. But we can get through it, okay?"

Greg nodded slowly and pulled Nick down for another slow, deep kiss.

* * *

Even though Greg believed that Nick wasn't cheating on him, things still weren't getting better. They had started fighting over stupid little things. What should have been play fights turned into full out arguments that they had never had before. Greg became increasingly worried every day, and Nick didn't seem to care or notice at all.

Then one night, they just fell apart.

Nick came home from work on a night that Greg had off. The Texan walked through the door slowly and looked like he had had a rough night. He didn't even ackknowledge Greg sitting on the couch. He just walked by him and into the bedroom. He returned a few minutes later after he had changed into basketball shorts and a t-shirt. He sat down heavily on the couch next to Greg, but looked at the TV instead of his boyfriend.

"Rough night at work?" Greg asked.

Nick merely nodded.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Nick shook his head silently.

"Okay...sorry I asked."

Nick's head snapped over and faced in Greg's direction. "Don't be sorry because you don't understand what's wrong. You would never understand, but it's not your fault. I just don't wanna talk about it."

"I was just trying to help." Greg said, mad at the reaction he had gotten from Nick.

"You can't help. Nothing can help this. I had almost forgotten about it too..."

Greg carefully placed his hand on Nick's arm. "How do you know if you don't give it a shot? Talking about it might help."

Nick jerked his arm away and stood up off the couch. "Talking about it only makes me sick to my stomach. You wouldn't get it, and I don't want you to even have to try. Just drop it, okay?"

But Greg wasn't giving up too easily. He dropped the current subject, but only to start another one. "It's not really about that though, is it." He said more than asked.

"What are you talking about?" Nick asked as he walked around the couch and into the kitchen.

Greg followed. "All we've been doing recently is fighting. You either haven't noticed or don't care...but I bet you realize it now. What's going on with us Nick?"

"I don't know." Nick said as he shook his head.

"Why isn't it like it used to be? It's not even like we're dating anymore."

Nick held up his hands. "I'm doing my best...it's just extremely hard to keep this relationship working Greg."

"But it's worth it, right?"

Nick didn't answer directly. "We need to do something about it."

Greg nodded in agreement. "What should we do?"

"I don't want us to end up hating each other. I love you more than anything...but this is scaring me. We shouldn't be like this. I don't wanna fuck this up like I do with everything else. Maybe we should...take a break."

Greg felt his heart sink at that statement. "O-okay...if that's what you want."

"I think it'd be for the best, don't you?"

Greg shrugged. "I guess." He said weakly.

Nick didn't know what to do next. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Greg, who did the same. They stayed like that for what seemed like only seconds before Nick softly kissed Greg's neck and pulled away. He walked out of the kitchen, then out of the house altogether, leaving Greg standing in the kitchen alone.

His tears returned as soon as he heard the front door close behind Nick.

* * *

It had been two weeks since Nick and Greg had somewhat mutually decided to take a break. Nick rented a small apartment not far from the house he had shared with Greg. Even though it had been Nick's house Greg had moved in to a year into their relationship, Nick let Greg stay there and moved some of his stuff out.

The more nights he spent alone, the more Greg wished they had tried to work things out than just taking a break. Spending time away from each other like this could end up in a break up, and Greg definitely didn't want that at all. He was scared about what was going to happen, but pretended to be okay because that's how Nick seemed to be doing.

A couple nights a week Nick would call Greg when he couldn't sleep, and Greg would end up driving over to Nick's new apartment. They'd talk for a little while about anything other than work and their relationship, then they would end up having sex. When Greg would wake up, he'd be alone in the apartment that he wasn't sharing with Nick. So he'd get his stuff and drive himself home.

Even though they weren't together, they still fought just as much as they had before.

This night was no exception.

Greg had been on the phone with Nick for over two hours, but had yet offered to come over. He hated feeling used and promised himself not to let it happen again, but Nick didn't seem to understand that.

"This is working out better than what we were before." Nick tried to reason.

"You just like it because we talk a bit then fuck and then you don't have to see me anymore until you wanna get laid again."

"That's not true and you know it. I'm not trying to hurt you G."

Greg wanted to slam the phone on his nightstand, but refrained from doing so. "But you are. I guess I can't be mad at you for hurting me over and over again because I keep letting you."

"Isn't this better than nothing?"

"It's not better than what we had before. Why can't we go back to how things were before?"

"I don't know." Nick whispered. "I don't know what happened or how to fix it. Maybe this was never meant to work out."

"You're just gonna give up?" Greg asked.

"I'm not saying that. I love you, you know that."

Greg closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto his pillows that still smelled like Nick. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

They were silent for a long time before Nick spoke again. "What do you want me to do?"

"Fix it. Fix us. I don't care how...just please fix everything."

At the time, Greg didn't know what was in store for Nick. He didn't know what was going to happen to the man he was desperately in love with. He didn't know that it would potentially get him what he wanted, or destory them both altogether.

* * *

Next chapter will be up soon. Reviews always welcomed.


	2. Explode

The only good thing Greg could think of that had resulted from the lab explosion was that was what had made Nick finally tell Greg how he truly felt. Almost losing the guy he loved made Nick realize it was worth it to tell him the truth and risk ruining their friendship for something even better. 

As he was lying in the bed he used to share with Nick, Greg remembered that day so well. It had been the day after he had gotten home from the hospital. It's a day that he would never, ever forget.

_Greg groaned when he heard the doorbell ring out. He was lying on his stomach on the couch watching TV and wasn't in the mood for more visitors. Well, that wasn't exactly true. There was still one person he wanted to see, but he hadn't been visited by that person in the hospital so it most likely wasn't them at the door right now._

_That was the first time Greg could remember ever being happy he was wrong._

_He slowly opened the door and had to squint slightly into the early morning sun. It took his eyes a second to adjust before he could recognize the person standing in front of him. At first, Greg thought he was dreaming because it didn't make sense that he would be here. But he was, so Greg decided to take advantage of the situation._

_"Hey Nick." He said as cheerfully as he could given his current condition._

_Nick smiled. "Hey G." He replied._

_"Come in." Greg said and stepped to the side to let Nick in._

_Greg inhaled Nick's scent when the older man walked past him and over to the couch. Nick had been to Greg's house before and knew he could make himself comfortable. But Nick seemed on edge and even nervous. Greg closed the door before going over and sitting down on the couch next to, but not too close to Nick._

_"I didn't wake you up, did I?" Nick asked._

_Greg shook his head. "No, I was just watching TV. I can't really sleep much anyway unless I take half a bottle of those pills, but I'm afraid to go into a coma if I do that anymore."_

_Nick laughed lightly. "Yeah, that wouldn't be good." Before they fell into an awkward silence, Nick spoke again. "Listen...I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital." _

_Greg shrugged, and then had to force himself not to flinch at the pain the motion inflicted on his still sore back. "Don't worry about it, it's not big deal. But...if you don't mind me asking, why didn't you?"_

_Nick swallowed and shifted so he was facing Greg. "That's why I'm here. I have to...I need to tell you something."_

_"Okay, what's up?" Greg asked, unaware of what was about to happen. He never thought Nick could ever feel the same way about him that Greg did for the Texan._

_"I didn't visit you because I was scared to see you like that. I was right down the hall when the lab exploded and saw you go through the glass and everything. That scared the hell outta me. I thought you were dead. I couldn't sleep for a week." Greg just sat there and listened quietly to Nick. "I wanted to visit you...but I was too scared to see you in pain. It sounds stupid, but it would have broken my heart to see you like that."_

_"What are you trying to say?"_

_Nick sighed. "I uh...I'm in love with you Greg." He finally said._

_Greg didn't know what to say. Even if he did, he wouldn't have been able to say it because the air had rushed out of his lungs after Nick had said what he just did. Greg couldn't believe it, but wasn't going to question it because it was exactly what he had wanted. He wasn't able to speak, so instead of wasting more time talking he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Nick's._

_Nick was surprised at that reaction for a split second before the shock wore off and he responded to the kiss. He opened his mouth, encouraging Greg to do the same, which he complied to do. Nick slid his body closer to Greg's as he deepend the kiss, but kept it nice and slow. Greg wrapped his arms around Nick's neck and pulled him even closer. Nick moved his hands to Greg's waist and rested them there, but didn't know he had hit a patch of still injured skin on Greg's lower back. The younger man flinched away in pain, but was able to keep himself from yelling out._

_Nick didn't realize what he did at first until he saw the look of pain on Greg's face. "Fuck...I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that."_

_Greg managed a small smile. "It's okay. Most of it got better...there's just some parts that are worse than others. The doctor said they'll take longer to heal."_

_Nick nodded slowly. "Catherine told me you were in a lot of pain in the hospital. I should have gone to see you."_

_"Don't worry about it Nicky." Greg said as he slid his hand into Nick's. "I don't care about that because you're here now."_

_Nick smiled and kissed Greg softly again. "Sorry it took me so damn long to tell you this."_

_"Better now than never. Besides, I never thought you'd ever feel the same way about me as I do about you. I thought I was lucky just to have you as a friend, which of course was better than nothing."_

_Nick lightly ran his hand though Greg's hair. "Well you were wrong about me."_

_That was the second time Greg could remember ever being happy he was wrong._

Greg remembered Nick gently pulling him into his arms and letting him rest his head on the older man's chest. He remembered Nick kept running his hand through his hair and held his hand firmly as he tried to get Greg to fall asleep. When Greg finally did, Nick had stayed awake the entire night making sure Greg didn't have any nightmares or do anything that would cause any more pain to his back.

The first month of their relationship had been like that while Greg was still recovering from the explosion. Nick took good care of Greg and made sure he was ready to go back to work. When he did finally go back, Greg would spend his breaks talking to Nick so he would calm down because just being in the lab scared him. His hands shook violently and Nick was the only one who could get them to stop.

Everyone else had noticed long before that the chemistry between Nick and Greg. They were all relieved when they found out that they were finally together and couldn't have been more supportive. Having Nick and such good friends around him really helped Greg get over his awful experience and move on.

But now he didn't have Nick. Well, he did, just not in the way he had before. He didn't know what they were now, but he knew they weren't even close to how Greg wanted them to be. Nick had promised to fix everything even though he had no idea how he was going to do that. The longer they stayed apart, the worse things were getting.

It had been almost a week before Greg saw Nick again. The older of the two had shown up at their...or Greg's...house on a night he knew Greg had off. He didn't say anything when Greg opened the door. He just stared at Greg silently.

"Why are you here?" Greg asked, annoyed that Nick wasn't saying anything.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix us."

Greg shook his head. "I know that. You don't have to keep telling me."

Greg turned around and walked back into the house, leaving the door open behind him. Nick came in and shut the door behind him before catching up to Greg. He grabbed his arm and gently pulled him back so they were facing each other.

"I don't think we can be fixed." Nick said.

"No, you just don't want to try. You wanna take the easy way out and just give up."

"No I don't. I wish I knew how to make everything okay again but I don't. Do you think I like being like this?"

Greg nodded. "Yeah, it seems like you do. You get whatever you want from me whenever you want it because I still care about you. I still love you."

Nick was trying very hard to hold in his anger. "I love you too, you know that! I'm not trying to hurt you. I would never intentially cause you pain. I'm just trying to make this work."

Greg wasn't buying it. "I don't believe that. You want me, but don't want a relationship anymore because it's too much work."

"I wanna be with you Greg."

"If you did, then we would still be together. I love you Nick...but I can't be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me."

Nick threw his hands up in defeat. "Fine. Fuck you Greg." Nick turned and started walking away.

Greg wasn't letting him get away with the last word though. "I never wanna talk to you or see you ever again after all the fucked up things you put me through. I hate you so much Nick."

Greg got his last words in just before Nick slammed the door behind him and was visible no more. Greg listened as Nick started his car and drove off a little faster than he should have.

But Greg didn't care. Nick had put him through so much emotional stress over the last few months and he couldn't take any more of it. They would talk all night then have sex, but Nick would be gone in the morning and wouldn't answer Greg's calls for a couple days. One night Nick would want to get back together, then he wouldn't know what he wanted. Greg was tired of being confused and heart broken. But now his pain had gotten even worse because he was completely done with Nick.

They were over.

And then it happened.

The unthinkable happened on a seemingly normal night when Greg had been playing a board game with Hodges, unaware of what was going on outside of the crime lab walls.

Nick had been kidnapped and buried alive.

* * *

Thanks for the reviews, they mean a lot.

Next chapter will be up soon and will deal with Greg's emotions while Nick is buried, along with how the team reacts as well. But it will mostly focus on Nick and Greg's thoughts and emotions.


	3. Out of Phase

_"Nick's been kidnapped."_

Greg had laughed humorlessly when Warrick had announced that little bit of information to him and Hodges in the break room. It was the only thing he could think to do. If he hadn't laughed, he would have started crying and he didn't think that would help. That had been over an hour ago and had been the last noise Greg had made up to that point. He was now standing in the A/V lab with the rest of the team, watching Nick on the monitor in front of them.

Nick looked so scared. Greg felt the tears stinging his eyes, but ignored it like he ignored the feeling of everyone else's eyes on him. They all knew him and Nick had gotten into a fight and were taking a break, but they all knew they would get back together. They also all knew that this was torture for the youngest member of the CSI team. Greg just stared at Nick's pale face and watched as he tried to find a way out that wasn't there. He watched as the man he loved slowly started falling apart in what was meant to be his final resting place.

And Greg had no idea what to do.

He felt completely lost. All he wanted to do was find Nick and hug him and make everything go away. He wanted everything to just stop and be okay again. He didn't care if Nick still hated him and they were never back together again. He just wanted Nick to be above ground and safe. He just wanted Nick to be okay.

Greg tore his eyes away from the screen and fled to the bathroom. He made it into a stall and fell to his knees just as the contents of his stomach appeared in the toilet bowl in front of him. After a few more dry heaves he forced himself to his feet. Unfortunately, splashing cold water on his face did absolutely nothing. So Greg wiped his hands on his jeans and trudged out of the bathroom aimlessly. He didn't know where he was going, but he did manage to catch Ecklie telling the lab techs that Nick's ransom wouldn't be funded.

Greg fell up against the closest wall and slid down until his knees were up against his chest.

And then the tears finally came.

* * *

Nick tried to keep his breathing even and slow. He kept his eyes closed and tried to pretend that he was at home in his bed, not underground in a plexiglass box. He also was keeping his eyes closed so he wouldn't look at his watch to find out how much time had passed. He estimated that he had about two hours of air. After he was sure two hours had passed, he assumed that he was being given air. Which meant he wasn't meant to just flat out die. He knew his team would come looking for him. He knew they could find him.

But he didn't think he deserved to be found.

All Nick could think about was Greg and what he had done to him. He had used him and caused him a lot of pain, even though it hadn't been intentional. Nick was just trying to fix their relationship any way he could think of. But in the process, he had destroyed it completely beyond repair. And now he was never going to get the chance to try and make it right again.

Nick knew he deserved to be left where ever the hell he was, never to be seen again. Just in case he was rescued, he thought about everything he was going to say to Greg when he got out. He made himself promise to apologize for everything he did and do whatever it took to make Greg forgive him. Even if he wouldn't take him back, Nick had to make sure Greg knew he was sorry and had never meant to hurt him.

Knowing that there was a chance he wouldn't ever be found, Nick decided it was a good idea to tell Greg everything on the tape he had just said goodbye to his other friends and family on.

"Greg..." He started, his voice cracking slightly. "I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Whether you believe me or not that's the truth. I love you more than anything. I want that to be the last thing I say to you. I want you to know that you're all I've been thinking about. Not just down here...since the day I met you. I love you Greg."

Nick clicked the tape off and dropped the tape recorder to his side. He took a deep breath and tried to stay calm even as the box was still slowly cracking around him. Then it hit him. The worst pain he had ever felt in his entire life. It felt like thousands of tiny needles were stabbing him and injecting searing hot liquid into his veins and muscles.

The ants.

But Nick wasn't thinking about the pain. He was thinking about that if he wasn't found, if they never found that tape, the last thing he would have said to Greg was "Fuck you Greg."

Definitely not what he wanted to say. He should have said "I'm sorry" or "I love you." Anything than what he had actually said.

Nick's body was still despite the fact that his mind was racing. He was praying that Greg would just move on and forget about him so that he would end up being happy and with someone who deserved him. He hoped Greg would get the life that Nick hadn't been able to give him.

* * *

Greg had been standing in the doorway when Nick had shot out the light. Just like Warrick, Greg thought Nick had ended it. He watched helplessly through the tears clouding his eyes until he saw green light fill the monitor, revealing Nick's still breathing body. He felt the air rush back into his lungs and was able to breathe again. He turned around and fled from the sight of Nick still in that box. After seeing what he thought had been Nick killing himself, Greg couldn't watch anymore. He couldn't stand there and watch Nick slowly suffocating right in front of his eyes.

He found that the layout room was empty, so he went in and closed the door behind him, shutting out the noise of the lab that he never remembered being this loud. He sank down into a nearby chair and let his eyes close as his head fell back. He tried to take deep breaths, but every breath he took reminded him that it was one less Nick was going to have. Each breath meant another passing second with Nick still underground, alone and waiting to either be found or die.

Greg opened his eyes and looked around for something to distract him from the image of Nick's lifeless body on Doc Robbins autopsy table. He didn't want to think about the next victim in their next case being Nick. Greg tried to focus on watching Grissom and Sarah look over some more evidence, but he couldn't concentrate. He hadn't slept in he didn't know how long. His eyelids were getting heavier every second until he couldn't keep them open anymore.

They fell closed again and Greg drifted off to sleep.

_Greg stood up against the wall of Doc Robbins' office, watching as he and Warrick examined Nick's dead body. He couldn't move, breathe or speak. All he could do was stand there and listen to what they were saying and watch what they did._

_"He suffocated, right?" Warrick asked with no emotion in his voice._

_Robbins shook his head. "No, he passed out before that. Then he went into shock from the ant venom and lack of oxygen. COD is cardiac arrest. His heart just stopped beating."_

_Warrick was nodding slowly. "Do you think he realized he was dying? I mean, if it had been me I would have just taken the easy way out ya know?"_

_"I agree with that. I don't think he knew how much time he had. Either that, or he had something he was looking forward to after getting out of there. He must have really wanted to do or say something to someone before he died. That must be why he didn't give up."_

_Greg's knees started shaking. Robbins and Warrick looked over at him, both knowing that he was the reason Nick didn't give up. Greg thought their stares were enough to make him want to curl up in a ball and die. Then Nick's head turned and looked at him with those lifeless, gray eyes._

"Greg! Greg wake up!"

Greg was startled out of his nightmare by someone repeatedly yelling his name. He flinched and slid to the right, falling off the chair and onto the floor. He landed with a thud. He opened his eyes and looked up at Catherine, who seemed to be anxious beyond belief. She ran over to him and helped him up before pulling him in the direction of the door.

"What the hell Cath?" Greg asked sleepily.

"We know where Nicky is." Catherine said simply.

Greg was wide awake now.

* * *

Staying still didn't seem to be helping at all. Neither was trying to slap away the ants that were still crawling all over him and biting every inch of skin available. Nick finally yelled out in pain. His own voice sounded weird to his own ears, especially as it echoed of the plexiglass walls surrounding him. He kept his eyes shut tightly as he groped the bottom of the box, searching for the cold metal at his left side.

He finally found it. He slid his hand around the cold metal and gripped it tightly. He found comfort in the cold metal against his hot skin. He knew it was his way out of this hell. He knew that he could end it whenever he wanted. With one quick pull, it would all be over. Forever.

But he didn't want it to be over.

Not yet.

Nick yelled out again, but this time in frustration. He was in so much pain and had a quick, painless way out. It would all be over before he even heard the gunshot. He wouldn't have to wait to run out of air. He would finally be able to just relax. It would be over.

The more he thought about it, the more appealing that idea became to Nick. He took a deep breath and before he knew it his hand brought the gun up and held it under his chin. He hesitated long enough to think about how much he deserved to die this way after what he had done to the one person he had actually loved. Greg had been everything to him, but he had treated him like nothing. He just hoped Greg knew that he loved him.

His finger tightened on the trigger. Then he saw it. Red and blue flashing lights drowned out the sickening green glow around him. But he thought he was hullicinating, so he didn't open his eyes. He didn't open his eyes until he heard the voice cut through the silence.

"Hey! Put that down!"

Nick's eyes snapped open to see Warrick on the other side of the glass. All the dirt had been brushed away and Nick could clearly see through to the other side. He was extremely happy so see his best friend, but he looked beyond him to the crowd of people standing at the edge of the hole his box was in. His eyes locked with Greg's tear filled ones, and Nick felt his heart skip a beat. Greg didn't blink or move at all. Nick knew Greg's hands were shaking without even having to look down at them.

Nick dropped the gun back to his side and closed his eyes. He couldn't bere that look Greg had in his eyes. It was the most painful thing Nick had ever seen. Greg looked lost and scared, but most of all surprised. He had been surprised to see Nick with the gun again. Nick knew Greg didn't think he would have done it until he saw him seconds ago.

What happened next is all a big blur to both Nick and Greg. All Nick can really remember is reaching his arm out of the box and searching for Greg's hand, but not being able to find it. Greg had gotten the fire estinguisher, but after that had just stood back and watched. When Nick landed on the dirt after the box had blown up, everything seemed to be going in slow motion to Greg. The paramedics. Nick in the stretcher. The ambulance doors closing.

Then Nick was gone.

Again.


	4. Water's Edge

Now that Nick was out, Greg was even more lost than he had been when Nick was down there. He didn't know whether he should go see him at the hospital or just give him space. They had gotten into a big fight not too long ago and had both said some things that they might not have meant, but were still harsh nonetheless. So instead of going to see him, Greg laid in the bed they had once shared and just thought about him. 

Greg couldn't stop thinking about Nick. Everything about him seemed to be so damn perfect. The way he smelled, felt, tasted. Everything. Tears once again started falling from Greg's brown eyes as he regretted letting Nick walk away. He didn't even care about what Nick had done to him. He had let the older man use him and do whatever he wanted, so it wasn't totally his fault.

None of that mattered anymore. Nothing mattered to Greg except the fact that Nick was okay. He was still alive. He had made it out of the worst possible hell anyone could think of. What Nick had gone through wasn't easy, and Greg couldn't help but wish he could be there to try and help Nick through it. But he doubted the other man ever wanted to see him again, not that Greg really blamed him. They had fallen apart despite their best efforts.

Catherine had been keeping Greg up to date on how Nick was doing. Surprisingly, he was doing a lot better than anyone thought he was going to do. She said it was like nothing even happened. He was joking around with Warrick and if it wasn't for the physical signs, you wouldn't have been able to tell anything bad had happened to him. But the bites were healing and he was going to be able to go home in a few days.

Needless to say, Greg was happy to hear Nick was doing well. It would have made him feel worse if he had heard that Nick wasn't able to sleep and was so changed by his traumatic experience that he wasn't himself anymore. It showed just how strong Nick was that he was able to be himself after he had survived something so terrible. Greg knew for a fact that he wouldn't have been able to handle it if it had been him down there. He would have cracked and given up a long time before anyone would have found him.

But Nick didn't.

And Greg thought he knew why. At least he hoped he did. He kept thinking back to the awful dream he had had when he had fallen asleep in the layout room. Doc Robbins had said Nick must have wanted to do or say something, that's why he didn't give up. Then both he and Warrick had looked over at Greg before Nick's dead eyes did as well. As much as the thought of a dead Nick scared him, Greg hoped it was true. He hoped that Nick hadn't meant what he said that night before he left, because Greg hadn't meant what he had said.

The entire time Nick had been buried, all Greg could think about was his last words to Nick.

_"I hate you so much."_

He thought he would never get a chance to change that. He thought that it was his fault Nick was down there and he was being punished for something. Even if Nick never spoke to him again, all he wanted to do was tell Nick he hadn't meant that. He didn't hate Nick. He loved him more than anything else in the entire world. He had loved Nick basically since the minute he had met him and always would. Now all he had to do was try and tell Nick that. He had to try and get Nick to believe that, for both their sakes.

Just as Greg had convinced himself to go see Nick, there was a knock at his door. He hoped that it was Nick and that they could actually fix everything this time.

But it wasn't Nick.

"Hi Greg." Catherine said anxiously. "Is Nick here?"

Greg shook his head. "No, isn't he still at the hospital?"

"No. He was released last night. Warrick brought him home then when he went to check up on him today he wasn't there. No note or anything...just his car gone. He won't answer his phone and no one knows where he is."

Greg's heart stopped beating for a couple seconds before it picked back up again, faster than he could ever remember it beating. "What? He just...disappeared?"

Catherine nodded slowly. "I guess so. He probably just wanted some time by himself. I'm sure he's fine."

Greg didn't hear anything else that Catherine said. He didn't remember her leaving or remember going back over into the living room and collapsing on the couch. All he could remember was being so scared that Nick had left and wasn't going to come back. _What if he ran away for good? What if it had all been too much and he left so he wouldn't have to see me ever again? _Greg knew his thoughts were unrational and Nick would never do that, but it still worried him.

Greg sat on his couch and waited a few hours in hopes that Nick would show up at Greg's front door. He hoped Nick would come over, even if it was just to yell at Greg. He just wanted to know the Texan was safe, not lying in a ditch somewhere badly hurt or worse. Greg hated thinking about worst case scenarios, but he couldn't stop himself from doing just that.

When waiting became too nerve racking, Greg gave in. He got up from the couch and grabbed his eyes. He was in his car and on the road before he even thought of where to go. He didn't know where to start, so he just drove. He knew his aimless driving probably wouldn't get him anywhere productive, but he knew he wouldn't care if he found Nick. That was all he wanted to do.

Find Nick.

* * *

Nick was pretty sure that no one would find him where he was because he wasn't exactly sure of his location himself. He was seperated from the Hoover Dam by Lake Mead, but other than that he wasn't sure. He knew Sandy Cove was off somewhere to his left, but he didn't really care. He just sat there at the edge of the water and looked out over the darkening water as the sun went down behind Hoover Dam. 

Where he was didn't matter because it wasn't where he wanted to be. He wanted to be with Greg. Other than that it didn't really matter. But he wasn't with him. He was by himself, thinking about what he should do. So many things were rushing through his mind, he was having a hard time making sense of everything. He was extremely tired and hungry, but paid attention to neither feeling. The feeling in his chest held almost all of his attention.

Ever since Nick had seen the look in Greg's eyes while he had held that gun in the box, Nick's chest felt empty. He couldn't feel his heart beating or any other signs that it was there. He would have rathered feeling pain or guilt there, but he felt nothing. And he didn't know why.

It didn't matter how beautiful the sunset in front of his was. All Nick could see was Greg's face. All he could see was those dark brown eyes full of fear and shock. Seeing Nick about to kill himself had surprised Greg because the younger man knew how strong Nick was and had expected him to pull through. But Nick had almost given up.

Almost.

He hadn't pulled the trigger. He was still alive, and yet hadn't seen Greg since he had closed his eyes while he was still in the box. That must mean Greg hated him and truly never wanted to see him again. Maybe Greg had been surprised Nick was still alive. That would make more sense, wouldn't it?

Nick sighed heavily. He was so confused and didn't know what he should do. Greg had sounded pretty truthful when he had said he hated Nick. Who could blame him either? Things hadn't exactly been perfect between them in a long time.

Nick thought that maybe it would be best if he really did just disappear. That way, he wouldn't cause Greg any more pain at all. That idea was very appealing to Nick. He felt sick at the thought of what he did to the guy he loved with all of his heart.

His heart.

That's why he didn't feel anything. He couldn't feel anything because he had nothing left to feel. When he had Greg, he had everything. He felt so alive and happy when he was with him. Now that he wasn't, he couldn't feel anything. He was numbed by the loss of his heart.

Greg _is_ his heart.

Nick knew he needed to get his heart back.

But maybe he was just being selfish. Why should Greg take him back? Sure Nick needed him, but Greg probably didn't anymore. It wasn't Greg's fault Nick was weak and scared and needed to feel alive again. It wasn't Greg's fault that the only way Nick ever felt alive was when he was with Greg.

If he just disappeared and kept out of Greg's life, then maybe Greg would move on and be happier without him. Doing that would cause Nick to completely fall apart. But it didn't have to come to that. After seeing that look in Greg's eyes, Nick thought about all the ways he could make himself forget that look. The only permanent way he could think of was to do what he couldn't in his coffin. Maybe that would truly be for the best.

Nick sighed again and pulled a cigarette from the pack in the back pocket of his jeans. He quickly lit it and took a long drag of it. He just sat there, by himself, and thought. The only notion of time he had was the number of sunsets and sunrises he saw and the growing pile of ciagrettes in front of him. Even after the pack was long gone, he still sat there and tried to decide what to do.

How much does he love Greg?

Enough to try and make things right?"

Or enough to let him go?


	5. Caught in the Rain

Another day had come without Nick's whereabouts being known. After four more hours of driving around with absolutely no luck in finding him, Greg finally gave up. He didn't want to, but he had no other choice. His head was killing him and causing his vision to become blurry. He didn't want to risk getting into an accident and hurting himself, and maybe even someone else. He reluctantly drove himself home and parked his blue Jetta in the driveway, but didn't get out of the car. He sat there instead of going inside. 

Greg didn't have the engery to move. Even if he did, he didn't want to go inside and be by himself because Nick was nowhere to be found. All he wanted to do was be with Nick, but that wasn't possible. No one could find him, which meant he didn't want to be found. So Greg just sat there in silence and waited for something to happen. He waited for his phone to ring and for someone on the other line to tell him Nick was safe and wanted to see him. He was waiting for Nick to pull into the driveway and pull him out of the car. He was waiting for something, anything.

But nothing happened.

After an hour of just sitting there, Greg's eyelids began to feel extremely heavy. He leaned his head back against the headrest and let his eyes close. He sighed deeply and tried to get his body to relax. He hadn't slept in what seemed like weeks and knew he needed to rest. He was soon drifting off to sleep in his car.

Greg was asleep when the rain began to fall.

* * *

Nick was out of cigarettes. He was out of patience. And he was out of hope. He still hadn't decided what the hell he was going to do. He had no idea how long he had been sitting by the water. However long it was didn't matter. He had gotten nowhere and it all seemed to only be getting worse. Nick couldn't think of a good reason not to go into his truck, get his gun, and end it all. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to do it. There was only one thought that stopped him from doing it. 

_Greg._

He couldn't help but think about the younger man and what he had put him through. Deep down, Nick hadn't believed what Greg had said to him that night they had gotten into that fight. He knew Greg had been lying by the way his voice sounded and how his hands shook slightly at his sides. Nick knew Greg well enough to be able to tell when he was lying. Hell, Nick knew Greg so well he could tell how the other man was feeling just by looking at him for a split second. He wished he could see Greg right now so he could figure out what to do.

Nick loved Greg with everything he had and wanted to be with him forever. That much he knew. He just didn't know whether or not he should risk hurting Greg more than he already has to get him back. He knew he had hurt the younger man very badly, but there was nothing he could do to take that back. Besides, the after affects of being buried alive were really starting to make themselves known to Nick. He felt weaker and constantly scared. He hated feeling scared, and he didn't know how to make it stop.

What he was really afraid of was something he didn't think he could control. It wasn't like his smoking and drinking, which had only gotten out of hand as of late because of what he had went through. He could control how much he smoked and drank if he wanted to. But he highly doubted he would be able to control the urge to finish what he started down in the box. Nick truly believed that soon enough he would end his life that he thought should have ended years ago.

Which brought him to his current situation. Even if he somehow managed to get Greg to take him back, Nick wasn't sure how much longer he was going to be able to stick around with him. It had nothing at all to do with Greg. But it did have everything to do with the feeling that was overwhelming him. Nick was alive, but felt dead. He felt like he should have been dead a long time ago and everything that kept happening to him reminded him of that.

It'd be so much easier if he just ended it himself. Then it would all go away.

Nick sighed in frustration. The more he thought about everything, the more confused and mad he got at himself. All he had to do was make a simple decision on how much he truly loved Greg. If he really loved him, he would stay away from him so that he wouldn't end up hurting him again.

Nick really did love Greg.

He just ignored what he thought he should do.

He wanted to see Greg.

He needed to see Greg.

* * *

The ex-labrat woke up some time after he had fallen asleep in his Jetta. He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but it had been long enough for it to start raining. The light rain had turned in to an all out downpour that was supposed to last a long time. It hardly ever rained in Vegas. But when it rained, it poured. 

Greg quickly got out of his car and made it into his house as fast as he could, but still got pretty soaked. He changed into sweatpants and an old t-shirt before going into the living room and sinking down into the comfortable leather sofa. It wasn't until he had turned on the TV and started flipping through the channels that he realized he was wearing Nick's grey Nike sweatpants, as well as Nick's faded Texas A&M t-shirt. He sighed sadly and returned his attention to the TV.

He was on his third or fourth epidsode of 'Friends' when he got a funny feeling in his stomache. He thought at first he was hungry, but he knew after a second it wasn't that. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but knew whatever it was, it was making him nervous and excited. His hands were shaking slightly in his lap and his heart was beginning to beat faster. That hadn't happened to him in a while. Not since that night he had gotten into a fight with Nick.

_Nick_.

The thought of his name made Greg's breath catch in his throat. He didn't know why, but Greg stood up from the couch and went over to the front door. He slowly opened it with his shaky hand. Once he had it pulled all the way open, he stared out into the cold air. His eyes traveled out into the middle of the front yard and landed on Nick, just standing there in the pouring rain. He was completely drenched and his entire body was shaking either from the cold rain or something else. Greg assumed it was the rain because Nick's lips were slightly blue and his skin was very pale.

Greg hoped it was the rain that was making Nick shake.

It took the younger man a few seconds to realize what was actually going on. The initial shock of seeing Nick wore off and Greg became immediatly worried. He was about to take a step out into the yard and head over to Nick, but the look in the Texan's eyes told Greg to stop. Nick shook his head slowly, making Greg stay where he was. Greg knew Nick didn't want him to come outside.

"Oh God Nicky." Greg said softly, but loud enough for Nick to hear him. "Come here." He said, motioning slightly with his hand.

Nick slowly walked across the yard and up the front steps. He stood in front of Greg, still in the rain, and smiled sadly. Tears mixed in with rain on his cheeks and in his bloodshot eyes. Greg reached out and grabbed Nick's cold, shaking hand and tried to pull him inside, but Nick wouldn't budge. He stood where he was in the freezing rain, seperating himself from Greg who was warm and dry.

"I don't wanna do this to you." Nick whispered.

Greg didn't quite understand. "Do what?"

"I don't wanna hurt you. I honestly don't. But I needed to see you."

Tears were now building up in Greg's eyes as he looked at Nick. His wet t-shirt was sticking to his skin, showing just how skinny and weak he was now. Nick's jeans were hanging low on his hips, and not just because of the weight of the water soaked into them. Even Nick's eyes looked different. They weren't as dark and full of life as they used to be. His skin wasn't warm and his voice was as weak as his body looked.

"Come inside...you need to get warm." Greg tried to pull Nick in again, but still couldn't.

Nick shook his head slightly. "I don't wanna be warm. I don't wanna be anything if I can't be with you. I don't wanna be on a break or any of the other stupid things I said. I just want _you_."

Greg threaded his warm fingers with Nick's cold, clammy ones. "You've always had me." He said softly and was finally able to pull Nick into the house and close the door behind them. Greg silently brought him into the bedroom and stripped off his wet clothes. Greg helped Nick into warm, dry ones before he gently pushed Nick down onto the bed and pulled the covers over him. Greg turned to go back into the living room and let Nick rest, but the firm grip Nick still had on his hand wasn't letting him go anywhere.

"Please don't leave." Nick said weakly.

Greg sat down on the bed next to Nick and looked down at him sadly. He brushed his free hand through Nick's wet hair as he said, "Catherine told me you were okay...she said you seemed perfectly fine."

"I was with them. I didn't do anything to her or Warrick or Grissom. They didn't look at me the way you did when you guys found me. I was okay around them because they don't know when I'm lying and wanted me to be fine so they believed me when I said I was."

Greg rubbed Nick's hand gently, trying to get the warmth back in it. "You don't have to pretend you're okay Nicky."

"I know. I haven't be okay since I lost you."

Greg shook his head. "You didn't lose me."

"But it feels like I did. I feel like I lost everything I had left to lose. I don't know how to fix whatever was wrong with us before, but I don't care. I'll find a way no matter what it takes. I need you. I love you so much it's probably unhealthy. I'm sorry for taking advantage of you like I did. But I can't even pretend like I'm gonna be able to handle this without you. I just can't."

"I wanna help you, I really do. I don't care about before. None of that matters anymore. I almost lost you That hurt more than anything else ever could. You almost _died_ Nicky." The tears finally fell from Greg's eyes and his voice cracked because of what he was saying.

Nick could see the pain and fear in Greg's eyes. "But I didn't. I'm still here G."

Greg nodded slowly and smiled slightly. "I know...and I'm so glad that you are. I love you Nick."

"I love you too Greg." Nick gently tugged on Greg's hand as he sat up and wrapped his arms around Greg. The younger man did the same, pulling Nick as close as possible.

More tears fell at the feeling of how think Nick was. "Jesus Nick...you're so skinny now." Greg pulled back and looked Nick in the eyes. "When's the last time you ate? Or slept?"

Nick shrugged. "I don't know. A long time ago. I haven't done anything in while except think about you. Since I walked out that night, all I've been doing is thinking about is you."

Nick reached up and gently brushed away Greg's tears that were still falling from his eyes. Greg nuzzled into the touch, even though Nick's hand were still ice cold and shaking slightly.

Now Nick's own tears were building in his eyes. "I don't even care that I almost lost my life. All I care about is that I almost lost you. That's so much worse because you _are_ my life."

Greg smiled and pulled Nick against him again. They both held on to each other as tight as they could, neither one of them planning to let go anytime soon.

* * *

I'm sorry it took so long for this chapter to be up. My computer was on the fritz and it took a while to get it fixed. Thanks for the reviews, they mean a lot. Next chapter will be up soon. 


	6. Anxiety Is Setting In

Despite Greg's best efforts, Nick hadn't eaten or slept since he had shown up at his house two days ago. Nick hadn't really done much of anything, which was of course understandable. He just laid in the bed or on the couch in Greg's arms and tried to keep his breathing under control. He was getting pretty good at staying calm, but once in a while he would have a panic attack. He would think he was still underground and completely lose it. The only thing that could calm him down was Greg gently squeezing his hand, kissing the side of his head and whispering in his ear that everything was going to be okay. 

But Nick didn't believe that was true.

With every hour he didn't sleep and every minute he spent having a panic attack, Nick wanted more and more to make it stop. Now that he was back in Greg's arms, he could feel again. But he mostly just felt pain. His back and neck were constantly sore and his ribs hurt a lot, making him feel like he couldn't breathe. Everytime he thought he was back in the coffin, he tried to reach for the gun and felt helpless when he didn't find it. And everytime he came out of a panic attack, all he wanted to do was sleep with no dreams forever.

Greg easily sensed there was something wrong other than the obvious, but he didn't want to ask and upset Nick any more than he already was. So he just kept quiet about and kept calming Nick down as quickly as he could. All he could care about was making Nick feel better and keep him from freaking out. It killed Greg to see Nick so on edge and in so much pain, especially since there was very little Greg could actually do about it.

The younger of the two had thought Nick had fallen asleep on his chest a half hour ago while they were laying in their bed, but he was proven wrong when Nick suddenly spoke.

"Did you want me to die?" The older asked.

Greg didn't know how to answer that question. He of course knew what Nick meant, but was sill unable to find the right words to say. "No, of course not." He finally said. "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know. I wouldn't blame you. I would want me dead too."

Greg shifted so he was bracing himself up with his elbows and looking down into Nick's eyes. "Whatever happened with us before...I wish it hadn't, but it did. But that doesn't matter now. I don't care how much that hurt or what we said, because I know I didn't mean it and I don't think you did either. I don't care what happened before. When you were buried...I was so scared I would never get to see you again. I was so scared to lose you."

"I know. I was scared too. I'm still scared." Nick threaded his fingers through Greg's and pulled him down for a soft kiss. "How can you still love me? Or have ever loved me at all for that matter?" Nick whispered against Greg's lips.

Greg smiled slightly. "Because of the way you make me feel and how you can make me smile so easily. Whatever happens, I'll always love you."

Nick kissed Greg again and tried to hold back his tears to fool Greg. But the younger man could still tell something was wrong. He pulled away and ran his free hand through Nick's dark hair. Greg squeezed his hand gently and looked deep into his eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Nick shook his head. "Nothing. I'm fine." He lied.

"No you're not. You can tell me anything Nicky."

A single tear fell from Nick's left eye. "I know. But not this. I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have...I love you too much to G."

Greg softly kissed Nick's tear away. "If you love me as much as you think you do, then you don't have to tell me what it is because you won't do it."

Nick closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tried to believe that what Greg was telling him was true. He needed to believe that he wasn't going to do something stupid and hurt the one person he loved with everything he had. But something was telling him that was inevitable, no matter how much he didn't want to.

* * *

Sorry it took so long to upload such a short chapter. Next one will be up soon and will be much longer. Thanks for the reviews. 


	7. Do It Alone

Nick felt incredibly guilty for what he had been doing for the last couple weeks. Greg had gone back to work now that Nick was starting to get better, but Nick was still on leave for at least another two weeks. So in the time that Greg was at work and Nick was trying to make himself okay, he was drinking and smoking more than he should have been. He hid it well, Greg had no idea what Nick was doing when he was at work. Nick knew that if Greg found out he'd be heartbroken to see him being so destructive to himself. But Nick thought it was a better alternative to what he really wanted to do. 

The Texan thought it was weird how overwhelming the feeling of suicide could be. Between the nightmares and panic attacks, it was a thought that almost possessed his mind. He had never thought about before in his entire life, and now it seemed to be the only thing he could think about. It just seemed so easy and perfect to be able to end his suffering that quick and painlessly. At least he thought it would be painless. It probably would be, for him anyway.

Everytime Nick got dangerously close to going through with it, Greg always took over his mind. Everytime he actually picked up the gun and held it in his hand, he didn't feel the cold steel in his palm or the trigger against his finger. He felt Greg's hand in his and could see his eyes in his mind. He could see the pained look in the dark brown eyes he loves so much and could feel Greg's hand shaking in his own. So Nick would always drop the gun and go out on the back porch and drink or smoke. Or both.

But alcohol and tobacco were starting to lessen their affects and not take the edge off as much as they used to. Nick didn't know what else to do, so he resorted to something he hadn't done since college. It wasn't something he was proud of or anything, but he definitely knew it worked. He even had some in his closet from when his old college room mate had come to visit him and thought he was still in to the stuff. Now Nick was glad that he had given it to him.

Reluctantly, Nick went inside and dug the needle and heroin out of his closet and sat down heavily on the bed. He knew what to do and how much to take where he would feel the effects, but not overdose from it. In college he had used it sparingly and never developed an addiction to it. That he was thankful for. What he wasn't thankful for was knowing that he had to resort to this to try and make the pain go away.

Nick glanced at the clock. Greg wouldn't be home for at least another four hours, which left plenty of time for the signs to wear off. Without giving it another thought, Nick cooked it like he had been taught by his room mate Josh and put it into the needle. Before he could talk himself out of it he had stuck the needle in his vein and was injecting the drug into his bloodstream.

Nick felt the rush generate throughout his entire body almost instantly. His entire body felt regenerized and full of energy. The euphoric feeling was one of the best he could ever remember feeling. He wasn't sure how long it lasted, but it didn't seem long enough. He was then met with the feeling of being very awake, which he knew would soon be followed by a cycle of being exhausted. As much as he hated that part, he felt that the rush had been worth it.

But Nick hadn't counted on another side affect. Since he hadn't used it in a long time, his body wasn't used to it. So instead of just being extremely tired for a little while, he felt his mouth go dry and heartbeat slow down. He knew within seconds that he was going to pass out. He didn't have time to get rid of the needle in his hand or the bag of heroin laying on the bed next to him.

Nick soon forgot about that completely as he unvoluntarily fell back and laid down on the bed just as his eyes closed right before he blacked out.

* * *

Nick was awoken some hours later by the sound of a car door slamming. It seemed louder to him than it actually was. The sudden noise jerked him from his sleep and he sat upright quickly. The blood rushed from his head, making him feel dizzy and lightheaded. But he didn't care. He stood up just as quickly and hid what he didn't want Greg to see in the back of the closet before falling backwards on the bed as the front door was opening and closing. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and tried to will away his awful headache that seemed to only be getting worse. 

Nick was so concentrated on trying to force away his headache that he didn't hear Greg walk into the bedroom. He was unaware of the other man's precense until he felt Greg sit down on the bed next to him and lightly brush his hand through his hair.

"Are you okay sweetie?" Greg asked quietly.

Nick nodded slightly. "Yeah, just a headache."

Greg's eyes wandered from Nick's pale face and down the length of his body. He had missed it the first time, but when he looked up again he saw the mark on Nick's left arm and knew right away what it was from without even having to ask.

"Nicky..." Greg said as he brushed his finger over the track mark on the inside of Nick's arm.

Nick jerked his arm away. "Yeah?" He asked, his eyes still closed.

"Why did you do that?" Greg asked, cutting right to the chase.

Nick opened his eyes and looked up at Greg. "Do what?" He asked, trying to play dumb.

"I'm not an idiot Nick. How long have you been doing this to yourself...and why?"

Nick knew he couldn't try to fool Greg now. He sat up slowly and kept his eyes looking anywhere but into Greg's. Nick didn't exactly know how to answer that question, nor did he want to. He was afraid of the truth and wanted to keep running away from it as long as he could.

"I don't know...it was just today. I needed it I guess." Nick finally answered weakly.

Greg shook his head. "You don't need it Nicky. It'll only make things worse." Greg slid his hand into Nick's and gently rubbed the top of his hand with his thumb. "Promise me you'll stop."

Nick looked up at Greg and saw the fear in the other man's eyes. Nick could see how this was scaring the hell out of Greg, and it had only been one time. "I promise G." Nick whispered.

Greg leaned down and kissed Nick's forehead softly. When he pulled back and looked down at Nick, tears were building up in his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks.

"I hate to see you in pain and doing something like that to yourself. Let me help you...I don't want you to get hurt."

Nick reached up and brushed away the tears before the made it past Greg's lips. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm going to be okay as long as I have you. Just...don't leave me, okay?"

Greg shook his head slowly. "Why would I do that?"

"I can tell you right now that things are gonna get rough. I'm trying to stop it from happening, but it's still gonna be hell. I know there's no way I'm going to be able to do it without you. If you wanna bail, I don't blame you. But-"

Nick was cut off by Greg gently pressing their lips together. "You don't have to go through this alone. I'm not going anywhere."


	8. Listen

If there was a reason for why Nick was where he was at the time, he didn't know what that reason was. All he really new for sure was he had just shot up a little more heroin before he had left the house, ending up in a bar he didn't remember driving to. He didn't think he'd ever been in this bar before, but he didn't really care right now. As he took another sip from his fourth or fifth beer, he tried to get the flashing images of everything that has ever gone wrong in his life out of his mind. He couldn't stop the replaying of every single moment he could remember where something to terrible happened that it still haunts him to this day. Some were more recent; Amy Hendler drawing a gun on him, Crane stalking him, and of course being buried alive. But then there were things he thought he should have been able to forget by now; like his babysitter. 

Nick sighed in frustration when he still couldn't get every little deatil of that night almost thirty years ago out of his head. He hated thinking about that more than anything, but somehow could never stop himself from doing just that. When he did think about it, his hands would start shaking violently, he would get a headache and then feel sick to his stomach. He hated how he could play it all over in his mind without hesitation.

Nick buried his head in his hands and willed it to stop. He could feel his hands shaking already and knew it would only get worse. He was so on edge that when he felt a soft tap on his shoulder, he almost fell off his bar stool and on to the ground.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." A young, attractive brunette said to Nick when he looked over at her.

"It's okay, I'm fine." He said with a small, fake smile.

"Are you sure?" She asked. "You just looked sick or something, I wanted to make sure you were'nt gonna pass out."

Nick shook his head. "I'm fine." He reassured her.

"Good." She said, smiling as she moved closer to him. "I see that you're not wearing a wedding ring."

Nick froze at the sudden closeness. His heart skipped a couple beats and he felt the headache coming on. "I uhh..I'm not married but-"

Nick's attempt at an explanation was cut off by the brunette leaning in even closer and whispering in his ear, "That's all I care about baby."

Before Nick could even try to say anything else, he felt the strange women's hand slide over his right leg and then stop to rest in between Nick's legs. The Texan was about to try and do something alone the lines of protesting, but all the air was gone from his lungs when he felt whoever the hell that women was squeeze him firmly. That was all it took for Nick to totally freak out. The next thing he knew, he was throwing up the liquid contents of his stomach in the alley behind the bar.

After a couple emtpy dry heaves, Nick stumbled back a few feet and staggered off down the alley, trying to make it to his car. But he knew he wouldn't make it that far, so he sunk against the wall and slid down the bricks until he was hugging his knees to his chest. The ground was dry and hot, like the heavy air surrounding Nick, making it hard to breathe. For a second, he looked up at the black night sky above him. There were no visible stars up there at all. The only light came from the red EXIT sign off somewhere to his left and the blurry lights on the street about fifty yards to his right. Nick closed his eyes and dropped his head to rest on his arms folded on his knees. He tried to get his breathing to slow down, but it wouldn't. His entire body was already shaking hard when the thunder clapped and the rain began to fall, drowning out every other sound.

-

Nick wasn't aware of how much time had passed. It had seemed like days since he had fled from the bar and practially collapsed up against the wall. He hadn't been aware of it when the storm had passed, leaving him soaked and still shaking on the ground. Nick wasn't aware of anything except the spinning of his head and the painful pounding of his heart in his chest. He didn't hear the door to the alley fly open or hear Greg yelling his name. He did, however, shove the younger man back out of defense when Greg knelt in front of his and put his hands on Nick's shoulders.

Nick's eyes snapped open and he looked up at Greg, relief immediatly washing over him. "I'm sorry G I didn't know it was you...I thought it was her."

"Thought it was who?" Greg asked softly, moving back closer to Nick.

"That women in there that grabbed me." Nick answered, even though Greg still didn't know who that was.

Greg put his hands over Nick's in an effort to stop them from shaking so badly. "You're freezing Nicky...what happened?"

Nick swallowed the lump in his throat. "I don't know...I was just sitting there then she leaned over and said something about me not being married then she-" Nick trailed off. Hot tears were still falling from his bloodshot eyes. Greg gently brushed them away and kept holding on to Nick tightly.

"It's okay Nicky." Greg said soothingly. He took off his jacket and wrapped it tightly around Nick's shoulders to try and get him warm. "Take deep breaths sweetie."

Greg moved so he was sitting next to Nick on his left. He wrapped his right arm around Nick's shoulders and pulled Nick as close as possible to him. Nick rested his head in the crook of Greg's neck and tried his hardest to stop shaking. He closed his tightly, but when he did he saw the images he never wanted to see again. So he opened them and stared down at his still shaking hand clutching a fistful of Greg's dark red long sleeved t-shirt.

After about twenty minutes, Nick managed to calm down enough to walk to Greg's car and slide into the passenger seat. He pulled Greg's jacket tighter around himself as they drove home in silence. Greg glanced over at Nick every few seconds to see how he was holding up. Unfortunately, he never seemed to be getting any better.

They finally made it home, and Greg immediatly got Nick into a hot shower to warm him up. Once he got out, Nick dressed himself in sweatpants and Greg's faded Berkeley sweatshirt. He allowed Greg to take his hand and lead him into the bedroom, where he pulled Nick down onto the bed and wrapped the warm blankets around them. Nick rested his head on Greg's chest and sighed softly when Greg wrapped an arm around Nick's waist and began running his other hand through Nick's damp hair. Their legs were comfortably tangled up together under the warmth of their sheets.

"I know you don't understand what's wrong with me." Nick said softly.

Greg kissed the top of Nick's head lightly before saying, "Whatever it is isn't easy for you to talk about. You don't have to talk at all if you don't want to."

"I'm just scared."

"Of what?" Greg asked.

"Your reaction."

"Nothing will change how I feel about you." Greg assured Nick.

Nick took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "When I was nine..." He started, unsure of what to say, "my babysitter told me I had done something wrong and...I didn't know any better and she...molested me." He finally said, letting it hang in the silent air.

Nick could feel Greg's heartbeat quicked under his left ear. He was glad he couldn't see Greg's face because he was sure that there would be a look of complete disgust on his face. But he of course was wrong.

"Nicky...I'm so sorry. I had no idea." Greg finally said, breaking the awful silence.

"It's not your fault." Nick replied. "When that women grabbed me...it just reminded me of what happened before, and I had already been thinking about it. It was a panic attack waiting to happen."

Greg squeezed Nick's hand gently. "Now I really wanna go beat her up. I did before, but now I'm beyond angry. I don't even care that she's a girl."

Nick laughed a real laugh at that. "Will you stay with me instead?" Nick asked as he snuggled closer to Greg.

"Of course." Greg replied, holding Nick tighter.

For the first time in a long time, Nick felt safe to sleep. He felt completely safe in the arms of the man he loved and wanted to be nowhere else. He was so glad that he had told Greg about his past as well. The reaction he had gotten couldn't have been better. Greg hadn't tried to tell Nick it wasn't his fault or repeatedly say how bad he felt. Nick didn't need to hear that. All he needed was for Greg to just be there and listen, and he had done just that.

Just as Nick was about to fall asleep, he heard Greg whisper softly, "I love you Nicky."


	9. Hopes Fall

Greg hadn't thought it was possible, but when Nick woke up he seemed to be doing worse than earlier. He had been throwing up for the last half hour and couldn't seem to catch his breath. Greg stayed with him, even while he was throwing up. He slowly rubbed calming cirlces gently on Nick's back to try and help him relax. When Nick finally threw up everything he had had in his stomach Greg lead him back into the bedroom and put him in bed right away. He had a very high fever, yet he was shaking violently. 

Nick's eyes closed as soon as he laid down, but he didn't fall asleep. He was too tired to move, so he just sank into the warm bed and tried to make himself feel better. He hadn't felt as awful as he did right now in a long time. But the worst part was he could barely breathe. That made him feel like he was back in the box underground again. It made his chest ache and was giving him an awful headache. Her wanted it all to just stop and leave him alone.

After what must have been a couple hours, Greg gently brushed his hand through Nick's hair. "Do you want to try and eat something?"

Nick nodded weakly.

"Okay." Greg said softly.

Nick felt the bed rise a bit as Greg stood up and left the room for a couple minutes. When he returned, he had with him a bowl of soup and some crackers along with a glass of ginger ale. Nick hated being sick, but not when Greg made soup for him. It was some secrret family recipe, and Nick was almost certain he didn't want to know what was in it. But whatever it was, it was delicious and always managed to make Nick feel better. Nick ate as much as he thought he could before Greg took the food away and put it on the night stand next to the bed. Nick laid back down and closed his eyes again.

Greg sat on the edge of the bed and watched Nick sleep. The sight was calming and relieving. His chest was moving up and down slowly as he took deep breaths. Greg was happy that Nick was finally getting some rest. He had barely slept at all since he had come home from the hospital. Whenever he did, he always had awful nightmares and would do anything in his power to stay awake. Greg knew Nick needed a lot of rest and was glad he was getting some at last.

Before he left the bedroom Greg though it would be a good idea to take Nick's sweatshirt off for him. He still felt very hot to the touch, so Greg carefully slipped Nick's arms out of the sleeves and gently pulled the sweatshirt over his head and off his body altogether. Greg sighed at the sight of how skinny Nick was. He had always been in great shape, but this was different. He was a lot thinner than he should be, and it just reminded Greg of what he went through.

It wasn't until Greg stood up that he noticed it. He had almost missed the fresh marks on the inside of Nick's left arm. There were a lot more than there had been before and the sight broke Greg's heart. Tears stungs his eyes, but before they spilled from his eyes he had fled the bedroom. Wanting to go nowhere in particular, he ended up out on the back porch. He sat down and covered his face with his hands as the tears finally fell down his cheeks.

* * *

Nick opened his eyes slowly and looked around him. He had expected Greg to be somewhere nearby, but he was nowhere in sight. He sat up, and that's when he figured out what was wrong. His sweatshirt was now on the floor and it didn't take much thinking for Nick to realize that Greg had seen his arm. He had tried his best to hide them and make them go away, but he hadn't succeeded as well as he thought he was going to.

"Fuck." Nick mumbled to himself as he threw the covers off.

He quickly got out of bed and pulled on a long sleeved t-shirt before heading out into the rest of the house. He almost immediatly noticed that Greg's keys, wallet and phone were still on the coffee table where he had left them the night before. He had to be nearby, and Nick knew exactly where to look. He quietly opened the door to the back porch and stepped out into the cold night air. He silently walked up and sat down next to Greg, who was looking up at the sky. The stars and moon were glistening off the unshed tears in Greg's eyes.

"Greg..." Nick started, but was unable to finish.

"What else have you been lying to me about?" Greg asked.

Nick shook his head even though Greg wasn't looking at him. "Nothing...t-that's it." Nick noticed his stutter, just another sign that he was weaker and more nervous than he has ever been before.

"Do you understand what you're doing to yourself? Do you really want me to come home and find you lying dead on the floor with a fucking syringe in your arm?"

"Of course not." Nick moved closer to Greg. "I'm not trying to hurt you."

Greg moved his eyes away from the stars and looked into Nick's. "Well you're not trying very hard not to. This doesn't have to be as hard as you're making it."

"I don't know what else to do Greg."

"Anything but what you're doing! That's why you were so sick today. And it's only gonna get worse. You don't have to do this to yourself."

Nick didn't know what else he was supposed to say. He knew he couldn't tell Greg the truth, that he wished he could end it all. He wanted all the pain he was constantly in to go away, especially the guilt he felt in his heart for feeling that way. He knew it would kill Greg to find out why Nick was really torturing himself. He was afraid that sometime in the future something worse was going to happen to him that he wouldn't be able to make it out of. To Nick, it was only a matter of time.

After a long silence, Greg turned so he was facing Nick. Tears were still in his eyes and he looked so scared and lost. And Nick had no idea how to make that look go away.

"I can't do this if this is how it's gonna be." The younger said. "I'm all for trying to help you get over this. I know this is hard for you, but you're making it worse. It seems like you don't even want to get over it."

Nick dropped his eyes to the grass a few steps below where they were sitting. He knew that Greg would be able to see the answer in his eyes, but even though Nick looked away he still knew what his answer was.

"You don't." Greg said rather than asked. "Then what am I doing? Waiting for you to kill yourself when it'd be the most painful for me? You've already given up all hope. I haven't. I never did, and I never will."


	10. Can't Be Saved

Nick wasn't sure how long it had been since Greg had left him on the porch and gone back inside the warm house. He didn't care that he was shivering or that it wasn't just because of the cold. All he was thinking about was how to stop the overwhelming urge to go shoot up more heroin so that the helpless feeling that plauged his entire body. He wanted nothing more than to make the feeling go away, but the only way he could do that meant losing Greg. That was something he wouldn't be able to handle, even with drugs on his side. 

Nick finally got to his feet and went back inside. He silently closed the door behind him and walked into the living room where he saw Greg seated on their leather couch. The ex-lab rat was pretending to watch the news on the TV in front of him, but it was clear to Nick that he wasn't paying attention to it at all. Nick stopped short of the couch and just looked down at Greg, unsure of what to say. He knew there was nothing he could say to make the younger man feel better, so he decided to wait for Greg to say something. He finally did.

Greg looked up at Nick with a mixture of fear and anger in his eyes. "What? Do you want me to leave so you can shoot up?"

"No." Nick choked out. "I..." The Texan trailed off, still not sure what to say.

Greg stood up from the couch, and that's when Nick saw that his hands were shaking at his sides. "I don't know what to do. I really want to help you because I love you more than anything else in this world. But you're making it too hard. I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose you, and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"I don't know what to do either. I feel so...dead."

Greg took a step closer so he was right up against Nick. He took Nick's hands in his, which immediatly stopped shaking. "I know it's hard, but it will get better. Remember all those times I woke up with nightmares after the explosion, and you told me things were gonna get better? They did. If you just give it time and let me help you, you can get over this."

"What if I'm not supposed to get over it? What if I'm supposed to be dead? I should have died down there Greg."

Greg shook his head and gently squeezed Nick's hands. "No, you shouldn't have. You didn't because it wasn't supposed to happen. We got to you in time. You're safe. Wondering 'what if' is the worst thing there is." Greg looked into Nick's eyes and suddenly got a new fear. "Did you want to die?"

Nick dropped his eyes from Greg's. "I don't know. I think I should have...I would have deserved it after what I did to you. I just couldn't find a reason to live other than you. And then I realized I don't need another reason because you're the only thing that's ever meant anything to me."

"What about now?" Greg asked as fear took over any other emotion in his dark brown eyes.

Nick looked up at his boyfriend sadly. "When I was gone for those days, all I thought about was you. I couldn't decide what to do because I love you so much it made everything else hard to comprehend. I knew that coming back would probably end up with me hurting you because I knew I wouldn't be around for much longer. I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to be okay."

Tears were quickly filling Greg's eyes. "You don't have to pretend. I can help you, I'll do whatever it takes to make you okay. You can do this if you just _try_."

"I am trying." Nick said. He was surprised he could keep his voice from cracking. "I left myself down there...there's barely enough left of me to stay alive."

"So you're just gonna give up? You said I was your reason to live and I'm still here. Please stay with me? If you love me you will." Greg asked. The tears spilled from his eyes and slowly slid down his now pale cheeks.

Nick pulled his hands from Greg's and reached up to brush away the tears on the younger man's cheeks. He looked deep into Greg's eyes, but said nothing. He just stood there and hoped Greg would forget what he had asked, but of course he didn't.

"Answer the question Nick." Greg said. When Nick was still silent, he stepped back away from the Texan. "Answer the question." He said again, but this time in such a low whisper Nick barely heard him.

The older man stood there and looked helplessly at Greg. He couldn't answer the question truthfully without hurting Greg. He didn't know what to say other than that he loves Greg very much, but can't do it anymore. He didn't know how to explain that he just didn't want to live if it meant feeling the way he constantly did. Dead.

So he just stood there and stared at the only thing he had left. He was going to lose the only thing he cared about, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was all his fault. He didn't know what else to do. Nick was completely out of ideas, energy, and most of all hope. He wanted to say all the things he never got a chance to, but now he couldn't remember any of them. He couldn't do anything but stand there.

Greg shook his head slowly. "There's nothing I can say to make you feel alive again. There's nothing I can do to save you. That hurts more than being blown through a glass window becaus there's nothing I can do or say to make you care."

And then Greg was gone.

* * *

Sorry for another long wait for a short chapter, but this is setting up for a few much longer ones. Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them. 


	11. Without You Here

Greg sat in his car, trying to find a good enough excuse not to go into work tonight. He knew that if he went in it would only end in more heartache for himself, and he didn't know how much more he could take. He knew exactly how everything was going to go no matter how much he wanted to change it. It was going to be just like every other day for the last two months. 

It had been two months since the night Greg had walked out on Nick. Since then, Grissom had gotten the team back together and Nick had returned to work. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Everything was going smoothly, and no one talked about anything to do with Walter Gordon. No one mentioned the tension between Nick and Greg or the fact that they didn't talk to each other like they used to, no matter how obvious it was to every single person in the lab.

The team especially knew something was wrong between them, but no one asked for the details. They knew it wasn't their business, and they also knew that they would eventually work it out in the end. So they just acted like nothing was wrong and it turned out for the best. It really was like nothing had ever happened. They were back to normal and working as well as ever with each other.

That's how it was at the cime lab at least.

But it wasn't that perfect for Greg. Everyday he saw Nick, his heart broke more and more. He felt so guilty for leaving him, but couldn't go back. Being with Nick and knowing there was nothing he could do for him was far too painful. He couldn't take that any more. Nick was destroying himself and didn't even seem to care that he was brining Greg down with him. Greg would feel absolutely horrible, until he saw Nick's arm. He couldn't actually see the track marks unless he accidentally saw him changing shirts in the locker room, but Nick was always wearing long sleeves to hide them. Everytime he saw that, he was reminded of why he left. And the worst part was that Nick seemed happier without him.

Greg knew he needed to get over Nick, and fast. So almost every night after work he'd go out to a bar or club and meet a random person. He would end up sharing a couple drinks and dances with them, and then would end up back at their house or apartment with their clothes off. He wasn't proud of it, but sleeping with random people was actaully helping him get over Nick. It made him feel wanted and that he didn't need Nick as much as he thought he did. Nick didn't need him either.

Or that's what Greg thought.

Greg had no way of knowing how sick Nick felt without him because he looked perfectly fine at work. Greg didn't know that Nick never slept at all anymore because he didn't want to dream of Greg. Nick thought about him constantly and didn't want to go through the pain of memories being replayed in his head when he slept. Greg didn't know that Nick thought about Greg just as much as he thought about Nick.

That was the whole problem. Greg didn't want to think about Nick anymore. He wanted to get over him so that the pain would finally go away. He hated being in love with someone who didn't care about anything anymore and didn't make the effort to get better. The pain was getting to be too much to take.

Greg pretended that there was nothing wrong with the way he was trying to get over Nick. Getting under other guys seemed to be the most logical solution to the problem. It only posed to be a problem when Greg ended up pretending the random guy he was having sex with was Nick, then it didn't really work too well.

Until Greg met Bryan. He met him at a bar and after a few drinks and a couple hours on the dance floor they had ended up at Bryan's place, nothing new there. But they ended up falling into a casual thing, not dating but just short of it. Greg wasn't in love with him, or anything close to love. He just felt like he needed Bryan more than he actually did. He was afraid that this was his last chance to feel anything without Nick, so he took advantage of it.

That's why he let Bryan take advantage of him.

Greg didn't notice he was nothing more to the other man than a booty call until after a month of them being 'together'. Bryan never wanted anything from Greg except sex. The ex-lab rat just ignored it and took what he could get, ignoring the fact that he hadn't minded too much when Nick had done this to him but hated it now that someone else was.

Greg was so afraid of losing what he thought was the only thing he had left that he didn't do anythig when Bryan got too aggressive and then later abusive. He tried to ignore his sore muscles and told the team his bruises were from falling down some stairs or hitting his head on shelves. They were luckily too busy to inquire into it anymore, so Greg was off the hook.

Until that night when things got too out of hand and Greg had no where else to go but to the one place he should have been all along.

* * *

Nick jumped when he heard the knock at his front door. He almost fell off the couch altogether, but regained his balance just in time. 

"I really gotta stop watching scary movies in the middle of the night by myself." He muttered to himself as he got up and walked over to the door.

Nick was wondering who would be at his door so late. He hadn't come up with any answers by the time he reached the door, so curiosity got the best of him and he opened it to reveal his visitor.

He definitely hadn't expected this at all.

Greg was standing on his - formerly _their - _doorstep. His jeans were riding very low on his slim hips and his black t-shirt was torn. There was a deep cut just above his right eye along with other bruises on his face, neck and arms. He was shaking violently and looked like he was about to pass out any second.

"What the fuck happened?" Nick asked in almost a whisper.

Greg tried to smile, but didn't have the energy. He instead let his eyes close and couldn't help but fall forward. Nick quickly caught him and helped him inside. He lead Greg over to the couch and sat him down before grabbing his hands and holding them up in the air above his shoulders. Greg opened his eyes and looked at Nick kneeling in front of him.

"He didn't care that I said no. He wouldn't stop. I was afraid he was going to kill me and had no where else to go and knew I could come here even though-"

Nick cut Greg off. "Shhh...it's okay." He said softly. "Come on, you gotta get to a hospital."

"No." Greg said as he shook his head. "It's really not that bad...please don't make me go there. I just wanna stay here with you."

Nick reluctantly nodded. "Okay." He said simply.

He stood slowly, bringing Greg to his feet as well. He led the younger man into the bedroom, where he carefully took off Greg's jeans and t-shirt so he was in nothing but his black boxers. Nick gently layed Greg down on the bed before going into the bathroom and getting what he needed to take care of the cut on his head.

Greg squeezed a handful of Nick's jeans when the Texan rubbed alcohol on the gash. It really wasn't as bad as it looked, but it was still pretty bad. Nick then put some liquid stitches to help it heal before putting a large band-aid over the cut. Once he was done with that, Nick pulled the covers over Greg as he looked over the rest of his battered body. Greg had bruises and scratches all over his chest and stomach, as well as his back. The sight broke Nick's heart.

Greg's eyes had closed long ago, so once he was all settled in Nick stood to leave. He didn't get far before Greg's still shaking hand reached out and grabbed his.

"Please don't leave me Nicky..." Greg said, his voice laced with sleep.

Nick only hesitated for a second before slipping into bed next to Greg. He didn't even take off his jeans; he didn't want to spend another second away from Greg. He smiled when the younger man snuggled up against him before sighing contently and laying his head on Nick's chest. Nick carefully wrapped his arms around Greg and held him tightly.

"I still love you Greggo." Nick whispered into Greg's hair.

Greg rested one of his hands on Nick's stomach and the other on his hip, both of which had stopped shaking. "I've always loved you Nicky."


	12. Extra Pale

The song at the end that's in italics doesn't belong to me. It's "Caught in the Rain" by Revis.

Hope you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

The first thought that ran through Nick's mind when he woke up and found that Greg wasn't next to him was that that Bryan guy had tracked him down and done something horrible to him. But then as the sleep began to wear off, Nick realized that was crazy. He slid out of bed and wandered out of the bedroom to find Greg. When he didn't find him anywhere in the house, Nick's heart sunk. Greg had just needed him for the night. Nothing had changed. He was still on his own.

Nick sighed heavily as he sank down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Last night, he had actually thought he had been given a second chance. He thought that Greg was back for good and that he would get a chance to make things right again. But he knew that wasn't the case and that he didn't deserve another chance, no matter how much he was trying to change from what he had become. Nick was about to go take a shower when he heard a car pull into the driveway and footsteps coming up the walkway to the front door.

This time, there was no knock. Greg just opened the door and stumbled in. He smiled when he saw Nick sitting on the couch and closed the door before making his way over to him. Seeing that Greg was clearly dunk, Nick stood up and hurried over to him before he tripped and fell, or worse. He gently grabbed the younger man and held him steady so he could look into the other's dark brown eyes.

"Are you okay?" Nick asked.

Greg nodded. "Yeah...I'm fine." He said, obviously slurring his words.

Before he could get any more words out, Nick felt Greg's lips press against his. Nick was so surprised and unsure of what to do he didn't completely register the fact that Greg had manuvered him into the bedroom until the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and he fell back, with Greg falling right on top of him. Without even thinking, Nick opened his mouth to Greg's probing tongue and kissed him back. It wasn't until he felt the younger man's hands go to work on his jeans that he thought the situation through.

"Greg..." Nick said when they pulled apart. "You're drunk."

"No I'm not." Greg said with a small laugh. "Definitely not."

Nick pushed against Greg's chest gently. "Yes, you are."

"So what?" Greg said. He started kissing Nick's neck, something he knew drove the Texan crazy. "I'm sober enough to know I want this and that you want it too. Who cares if I'm drunk? I can get you drunk and it won't even matter."

Nick closed his eyes and fought the tempation Greg was bestowing on him. "No...I'm gonna stay sober and you're going to get some rest."

Greg tugged at Nick's t-shirt until he finally pulled it over the older man's head and threw it to the floor. "I don't wanna rest. I want to do something else, and I know you want it too Nicky."

Nick was seriously contemplating giving in when he felt Greg's hands finally defeat his jeans and felt Greg's warm skin tracing the line of skin where his boxers started. Greg knew he was winning, so he kept up his torment, pleased to see he was making Nick hard.

But luckily for Nick, he was stronger than Greg, especially when he's drunk. So he was able to easily flip Greg over so he was the one on his back with Nick straddling his hips. Greg's eyes closed and he laid perfectly still, expecting something other than what Nick was actually doing. The darker haired man took off Greg's shirt, then his jeans which he carelessly let fall to the floor. Then he impressivley slipped the covers in between Greg's body and his own before leaning down and gently kissing Greg's jaw, just below his left ear.

"Get some sleep sweetie." He whispered.

Greg shook his head. "But I need to ha-"

He was cut off by Nick's lips brushing against his own. "No, you don't. You're safe now."

Now that he thought about it, Greg was actually exhausted. He relaxed all his muscles and let himself sink into the warm bed. But it wasn't warm enough.

"Sleep with me." He said, then smiled. "But not like that."

Nick smiled as well as he slid under the covers next to Greg. The younger man nuzzled his head into the crook of Nick's neck before lacing their fingers together. The blonde's smile only widened when Nick kissed his forehead and softly started singing him to sleep.

_"Is it real? We're always the same , we're almost alone now. I was caught in the rain, wasting my time on the ground. Waiting the call of what would you say? And can you come over? I was caught in the rain, wasting my time on the ground."_

Greg moved as close to Nick as possible, soaking in the warmth of the other man's body.

_"It was you who could get me high. With whatever you say, you're telling me something real. What we do, it doesn't matter now. Whatever it takes, for you to stay with me."_

Nick brushed his thumb over the top of Greg's hand and squeezed it gently. Greg's eyes felt heavier with every word Nick sang of one of his favorite songs. He wished that there was someway to make this moment last forever because everything seemed, for now, perfect again.

_"It was you who could get me high. With whatever you say, you're telling me something real. What we do, it doesn't matter now. When I was caught in the rain, you made me feel...you made me feel...made me feel."_

Greg drifted off the sleep, cuddled up against Nick, hand in hand. He never remember feeling the way he did when he heard those last few words before he fell fast asleep.

* * *

Greg felt the pounding in his head before he even opened his eyes. He wasn't even going to open them at all until he felt the warm body he was snuggled up against. He feared that it was Bryan, but then he felt the hand in his. He immediatly recognized it. He held that hand so many times he had it memorized perfectly, and right now he didn't want to let it go.

He slowly opened his eyes, not needing them to adjust to know who he was laying with. "Hi Nicky." He said sleepily with a small smile.

Nick smiled back. "Hi."

Greg shifted slightly so he could see Nick better, and that's when he realized he was only wearing boxers. Then all of the events came rushing back to him. Well, not **all** of them. There were gaps in his memory, so he wasn't exactly sure of what happened or didn't happen. All he could clearly remember was what he had wanted to happen.

"Did we have sex last night?" Greg asked.

Nick shook his head. "No." He answered.

"Really?" Greg frowned slightly. "Because I remember really wanting to, and trying to...you were awake when I came home, right?"

"Yeah." Nick said, smiling more upon hearing Greg say 'home'. "But you were really drunk."

Greg stared into Nick's eyes for what seemed like a very long time. He wouldn't have believed what Nick was saying if it had come from anyone but him. But this was Nick, and in spite of everything Greg trusted him more than anyone else in the entire world.

"I wasn't going to take advantage of you like that Greggo." Nick said, trying to answer Greg's confusion.

"I know you wouldn't," Greg said, "even though I would have let you. Just like I did with Bryan."

"Why did you let him do that to you?" Nick asked.

Greg shrugged slightly. "I was scared. I thought it was my last chance and that I didn't have any other choice. I know it sounds pathetic, but I didn't know what else to do."

"You should have come to me sooner." Nick said as he lightly brushed his free hand through Greg's soft hair. "I would have never let him hurt you like that."

"I know." Greg choked out through the lump that was building in his throat, along with the tears in his eyes. "I just didn't think you would care."

Nick felt like he had just been stabbed in the chest. He didn't remember something ever hurting so much. It wasn't just what Greg had said or how he had sounded when he had said it. It was that he didn't blame him for thinking that at all.

"Sweetie..." Nick started, but didn't get farther than that.

Greg sat up for a second before sliding out of the bed altogether. "I can't do this again. You don't know what you want...you don't even want to be alive. Seeing you like that and not being able to help you hurt so much. I've been trying to get over you, no matter how much that hurts too."

The tears spilled out of Greg's eyes and slowly slid down his pale cheeks. His hands were shaking, along with his voice. He looked so young and lost as he stared down at Nick, who had sat up but was still in the bed.

"I know I fucked things up, and it's true that I don't care about myself. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you. You're the only thing I do care about...I love you."

"That hurts the worst." Greg whispered. "No matter how much loving you hurts, I'll never be able to stop. No matter what happens, no matter what you could ever do to me, I'll always love you. I just wish it was as easy as it should be. I wish I knew what to do."


	13. Goodnight Sleep

Greg was well aware of the fact that he had no idea where he was going. He had just gotten in his car and drove away from Nick. The farther away he got the less tears he cried, but the more his hands shook. He didn't understand how that worked, but didn't care at the moment. Greg knew that any other guy, especially Bryan, would have taken full advantage of him last night because of how drunk he was. And even the other night when he had been extremely vulnerable. Yet Nick hadn't done anything. He had just been there for Greg and made him feel safe, something only Nick seemed to be able to do. 

Greg finally pulled into the parking lot of one of his favorite bars and immediatly headed into the bar. He took a seat at a table in the back corner and held his head in his hands. He had a headache from thinking about how much his life had changed in the last year. He had had a great life with Nick that had come to an abrupt end, but then had hopes of getting better once Nick was rescued. That only proved to make things worse and now Greg didn't know what to do.

He knew he couldn'd be with Nick if he was going to keep acting the way he was. The drugs and not caring what happened to himself made Nick so different. Greg thought of him as a totally different person. And Nick knew this was going to be so painful for Greg because when he had come back he had said so himself. As much as not being with him hurt, the spiky haired ex-lab rat knew that being with him would cause him so much more pain when Nick wasn't there anymore.

Greg was just about to order a beer when he felt a strong hand close around his left shoulder. He lifted his head up and craned his neck to see who it was, and when he did he felt his heart drop into his stomach.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Bryan asked angrily.

Greg stared up at the taller, stronger man with fear in his eyes. "I left for a reason...I don't wanna see you anymore."

Bryan pulled Greg to his feet. "Who asked you?" He said as he slammed Greg up against the nearby wall. They were concealed by the darkness of the corner, so no one saw what was happening or could hear Greg's protests over the music.

"Get off me!" Greg said and tried to push Bryan away, but wasn't strong enough.

Bryan instead kissed Greg forcefully as he held him in place. When Greg pulled away, Bryan punched him in the face then the ribs and glared at him. He slid his hands up the blonde's shirt and held onto his hips with enough force to leave bruises. Greg tried to slip away, but could barely move an inch. He was just about to give up again when he felt Bryan's body move away from his and heard the voice he would know absolutely anywhere.

"Who the hell are you?" Bryan asked.

"Nick." Greg said, answering the question. He pushed off of the wall and instinctively moved to Nick's side.

The Texan felt Greg's hand shaking against his own so he slipped his hand into Greg's and squeezed it gently. "Leave him alone."

Bryan got even madder. "Who do you think you are? You don't control him."

"And neither do you. Just leave him alone." Nick said firmly.

"You're making a mistake buddy." Bryan said as he took a step closer to Nick and Greg. "I'll kick your ass before I kill him."

Nick pulled on Greg's arm until Greg was standing behind him. His hand was shaking worse so Nick held it tighter as he kept his own hand pressed against the small of his back. Greg was standing so close to him Nick could feel his warm, quick breaths on the back of his neck.

"Nicky let's just get out of here." Greg pleaded quietly.

Bryan took another step forward, but Nick didn't move at all. Bryan was incredibly mad, not to mention fairly drunk, so he completely lost it. He grabbed the nearest beer bottle and smashed it against the side of the table all in one swift motion. He took a swing at Nick, but only succeeded in slicing open his right arm, just below his shoulder. He had been aiming for his face, but he was thrown off a little by the alcohol.

By now, everyone else had noticed what was going on. A couple young guys quickly came over and grabbed Bryan and disarmed him. They dragged Bryan out of the bar without any questions asked. The bartender came over and handed Nick a towel, which he pressed against his bleeding arm. He finally turned around and faced Greg, who was still holding his hand. Greg just silently lead Nick out of the bar into the parking lot towards his waiting car.

Greg had been so lost in thought that he hadn't heard the approaching car or seen the headlights flash as the car headed right for him. But Nick saw it just in time. As Greg stepped off the curb into the parking lot Nick pulled him back and against his own body before quickly turning and pushing Greg backwards back onto the curb. Greg's hand slipped from Nick when their positions were switched, just as the car collided with Nick.

Greg's eyes widened at the shocking sight. It all happened so fast he didn't even have any time to react to it. He hadn't noticed the cops pull into the parking lot until they were running over to the car. Someone inside must have called them, but that didn't matter right now. All that mattered to Greg was Nick, who was laying completely still on the hot pavement in front of him. Greg stepped off the curb and kneeled down next to Nick with absolutely no idea of what to do. He was just starting to panic when Nick opened his eyes and looked up at him.

"Are you okay?" Greg asked.

Nick nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." He sat up slowly, wincing in pain.

"Why did you do that?"

Nick frowned. "Do what?"

Greg pointed to the black car. "That."

Nick shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. What was I supposed to do? Let him hit you?"

Greg shook his head slowly. "You're un-fucking-believable."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Nick said as he tried to stand up, but Greg held him down.

"You have to go to the hospital." Greg said, but Nick shook his head. "You were just hit by a fucking car!"

"Really?" Nick said sarcastically. "I'm fine. It didn't even hurt that much, just when I landed on my ribs. I'm alright, I promise."

Greg knew he would never be able to convince Nick to go to the hospital, so he helped him up and wrapped his arm around his waist as he lead him to his car. As they passed the police they saw Brass, who nodded slightly and waved them on. They were soon both inside Greg's blue Jetta, driving in silence back to Nick's house.

Once they were inside, Greg cleaned the cut on Nick's arm and bandaged it tightly, mimicking what had been done for him the other night. Nick muttered his thanks before disappearing into the bedroom. That pissed Greg off, so he followed Nick. He grabbed his arm and spun the older man around before he had a chance to climb into bed.

"That's it?" Greg asked. "You have nothing else to say?"

Nick held up his hands. "What do you want me to say? I've said all I have to but it's not good enough. I'm not good enough for you and I understand that. But you don't have to keep making this so hard."

"You think **I'm **the one that's making this hard? What about you Nick? Showing up tonight and saving me - twice - and then acting like nothing happened? Not to mention everything else that's happened between us."

"I don't know what to tell ya." Nick said, dropping his hands in defeat.

"Tell me what you want me to do." Greg sounded desperate and lost.

"What I want you to do?" Nick nodded slowly. "I want you to kill me. That's what I really want. I want to stop hurting you and do whatever it takes to help you get over me. I want you to move on and never feel an ounce of pain ever again."

Nick opened the drawer to the nightstand he was standing next to and took out his gun. He switched the safety off and handed it to Greg, who was staring at Nick blankly.

"This is my solution. I've fucked everything up so bad that I don't know what else to do. I lost the only thing I had left to lose, the only thing I ever cared about. I lost you. I want to make you happy. I want you to kill me."

Greg was so frustrated and angry and scared that he couldn't control himself. He slammed the barrel of the gun into Nick's chest and forced him back onto the bed. His momentum carried him forward and he landed on the bed stradling Nick's waist. Greg held the gun up against Nick's heart while feeling his own racing inside his chest.

Tears were building up in Nick's eyes and began to overflow when he spoke again. "You're smart enough to know how to make this look like a suicide. I know you want to do this so just do it." His voice was sincere and steady. "It'll fix everything, getting rid of what you hate most."

Greg's hands were shaking worse than they ever had before, so Nick gripped them with his own to make them steady. Greg sat there like that for a few seconds before jerking his hands away. He hit Nick in the ribs as hard as he could several times. Nick winced at the new pain being added to his already injured ribs. But he didn't fight back or try to stop Greg. He just layed there and let Greg hit him as hard and as many times as he wanted.

Greg's own tears were falling from his eyes. The gun fell from his hand onto the floor. His heart fell and felt like it was never going to come back up again. His hands fell to rest on Nick's battered chest. He leaned forward slightly before changing his mind and pushing against Nick's chest, standing up and letting his feet stand on the floor.

"There's no point in doing that because your drugs are going to kill you soon enough. Your favorite fucking thing in the entire world." Greg said harshly.

Nick stood up from the bed, standing toe to toe with Greg. "You think heroin is my favorite thing in the world?" Greg didn't respond. "No, it's not. My favorite thing in the world is when I'm watching you sleep because I can't anymore. I just sit there and watch you sleep so calm and peacefully. Then you get cold, so you gradually snuggle up against me until you finally put your head on my shoulder, wrap both your arms around one of mine and then you _smile._ That's my favorite thing in the world. When _you smile._"

Greg shook his head slowly as the tears fell down his cheeks. "Say whatever you want to me, but don't lie. Say what you mean."

"I've never meant anything more than that. If every word I said made you smile, I would never stop talking."

Greg grabbed two fistfulls of Nick's t-shirt and pulled their bodies flush against each other as he kissed Nick as hard as he could. He turned them around and pulled Nick backwards until they fell onto the bed, Nick's body covering Greg's. Nick turned Greg's fast, desperate kiss into a slower, deep one. Greg pulled Nick as close as possible and held onto him. Nick pulled back slightly and moved his mouth to kiss Greg's jaw on that spot just below his left ear. Greg smiled at the familiar feeling.

"I'm not ready to lose you yet." Nick whispered.

Greg pulled him back into a lustful kiss which was only broken so that their shirts could be removed. Greg ran his hands over the bruises and bumps on Nick's ribs from the beating they took this evening. His thoughts were inturrupted when his jeans were removed, as well as Nick's, and then it was finally skin on skin; something Greg believed to be the greatest feeling in the world.

Nothing else mattered as they moved together, Nick lightly kissing Greg's jaw, neck and shoulders which caused the younger man to wrap his arms tightly around Nick's neck. Nick knew exactly what to do to make Greg reach his climax, which in turn caused Nick to do the same. Nick stayed where he was, hovering over Greg. He brushed their lips together before pulling out of Greg and laying down next to him.

Greg's eyes fluttered closed as he was overcome by sleep. He snuggled up to Nick, rested his head on his shoulder and wrapped both his arms around Nick's right arm. He smiled sleepily and sank into the warmth surrounding him.

"Promise me you'll never let me go." Greg said softly, his voice laced with sleep.

Nick lightly kissed Greg's forehead just below his hairline. "I can't let go of my heart...I'll never let go of you."


	14. Getting Into You

Greg woke up with a start, sitting straight up. His heart was racing and he had no idea what from. He took a few deep breaths and calmed down almost instantly. He looked down next to him and his heart sunk when he didn't see Nick. He thought that everything had just been a bad dream with no truth to it at all. But then he looked around and realized he was in Nick's room, so it must have happened. Greg slid out of bed and over to the dresser where he grabbed a pair of Nick's pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt before heading out into the rest of the house.

He looked in the living room, expecting to see Nick laying on the couch watching a movie, but he wasn't there. Nick also wasn't in the kitchen or the bathroom. Worry struck Greg for a couple minutes before he realized Nick's cell phone and keys were still on the counter, so he couldn't have gone too far. That was also when Greg realized the sliding glass door leading out to the back of the house was slightly open, and only made sense that Nick was out there. So Greg walked over to the door and slipped through the open space before sliding it shut behind him. He stood there silently for a second before slowly walking over to Nick, who was leaning up against the railing of the deck holding a pack of cigarettes in his hand.

"It's emtpy." Nick said when Greg stopped beside him, reading the other man's mind.

"Kinda like our bed." Greg responded with a small smile.

Nick turned so he was facing Greg. "Sorry...I kept having nightmares and didn't want to end up waking you up. That's why I left the door mostly open too. The cold didn't wake you up, did it?" He asked.

Greg shook his head. "No, I had a nightmare I think, but I can't remember. I just got worried when I woke up and couldn't find you for a couple minutes. I thought maybe you left."

Nick dropped his eyes from Greg's and turned back to face the yard. "I don't blame you for not trusting me. But I wouldn't do that to you. I would never intentionally hurt you or take advantage of you. I never meant to cause you so much pain."

"I know you didn't." Greg whispered. "Just seeing you in so much pain and knowing there was nothing I could do hurt. I want to help you...I'll do anything to help you Nick."

Nick shook his head slowly. "You don't have to do anything. You already did everything." He turned back and looked deep into Greg's dark brown eyes. "When you left that night, I realized that I don't care how much pain I'm in. I don't care what's happening to me as long as I have you. Nothing could ever hurt more than having you and losing you. I'd rather be back in that fucking box than ever be without you."

Greg felt tears stinging his eyes. He couldn't help but believe Nick. No matter how mad he made Greg or what he could ever do to hurt him, Greg would always have a weakness for Nick. The Texan definitely had a way with words as well. He was always able to say exactly how he feels without even having to think about it. Greg would believe anything Nick told him without question, especially when he was looking at him the way Nick was looking at Greg now.

"I just..." Greg started, not sure how to say what he wanted to say. Just another time he wished he could be more like Nick. "Whatever happened to us before, I can't do that again. I can't have you then only have some of you then nothing at all. I can't try to get over you because that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't do it. I won't. This has to be it."

Nick closed the gap in between him and Greg and tightly wrapped his arms around Greg, stretching them across the back of Greg's shoulders and pulling their bodies together. He felt Greg wrap his own arms around his waist and bury his head in the crook of Nick's neck. Nick kissed the side of Greg's head softly before leaning forward a little.

"This is it." He whispered. "This is everything. I don't want anything else, I don't need anything else but you. All I need is right here, and I'm not letting it go. I don't care what's gonna end up happening to me in the future. I want you. You're the only thing that matters to me."

Nick stepped back slightly and moved his arms so his hands were now cupping the sides of Greg's face. "You sure this is what you want?" Greg asked softly.

Nick smiled before gently pulling Greg to him and kissing him soundly. Greg tightened his grip on Nick's waist when the older man's hands slid through his hair slowly. Nick kissed him with everything he had. Nick definitely had a way with saying how he felt, but he did it even better when he kissed. When they finally had to break apart for air, Greg still held his grip on Nick, not letting up at all.

"I'm sorry I left you before. I didn't want to. I'm sorry about Bryan, he didn't mean anything to me. I was just trying to get over you because I didn't know what else to-"

Nick cut Greg off by lightly brushing their lips together. He gently rubbed his thumbs under Greg's eyes, brushing away the stray tears. "I know sweetie. This was all my fault. You didn't do anything wrong, I'm not mad at you at all. I just wanna make sure...do you really want to...are you positive that..." He was clearly having trouble finding the right words to say. There's always a first for everything.

"What are you trying to say?" Greg asked.

Nick took a deep breath. "I want you to know that you don't have to be with me. After everything I put you through, I really wouldn't blame you at all. You deserve so much better than me...so much that I can't give you. If there was something I could do to change how much pain I cause you, I'd do whatever it was. There's nothing I can do to do that, but I'm done everything. I swear to you I am. No more drugs, or smoking, or drinking, or anything. I just wanted to make sure you were sure about me."

Greg smiled. He stepped back slightly so that Nick's hands fell, and Greg caught them in his own. He intertwined their fingers and pulled himself closer to Nick again.

"Remember that night after you told me you loved me? Right after the explosion? I was just starting to get a lot better and everything and we had been together for a couple months. You asked me then if I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I knew then, and I still know now. You're not perfect, and neither am I. But together, we are." 


	15. Where You Belong

This chapter takes during and after 'Gum Drops.' Spoilers for that episode and 'Overload.'

* * *

Greg honestly hadn't been listening to Hodges for the last ten minutes, and they both knew it. But the trace tech still continued to talk, so Greg continued to ignore him. He was more interested in staring at the wall in front of him and thinking about Nick. He would openly admit that he was extremely worried about him. He hadn't been himself the entire shift and it was clear that the case was getting to him. No one blamed him or anything, but Greg was still more than worried. Sara had told him about what had happened in the interrgation room with the kid, and that did nothing to ease Greg's worries. And to make it worse, Nick had been out at the scene all day while he was stuck back in the lab with Warrick.

Speaking of Warrick, Greg had seen him in a while either. He was making a mental note to yell at him next time he saw him for leaving him alone with Hodges while he was rambling on about God knows what. Greg watched as Grissom returned from wherever he had been and got caught up on everything through Sarah, who had also just returned to the lab. Everyone was back except Nick. Greg was just about to get up to go call him when Warrick finally came back into Hodge's lab, inturrupting the still babbling tech.

"Sorry Hodges, but I need to steal Greg." He said upon his entrance.

Neither Greg nor Hodges made any objections. The younger CSI followed Warrick out into the hallway where they had some sort of privacy. Greg thought it had something to do with the case, or another case he was going to be put on, but then he saw Warrick's eyes. He could tell something was wrong, and that it wasn't good.

"What's up?" Greg asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

Warrick sighed. "Nick. He just found Cassie and went to the hospital and everything to get whatever he could out of her. Then he went home I guess and hasn't answered his cell phone or the door when I almost knocked it down. I figured he'd listen to you better than me anyway, and wanted to let you know he's not doing too well."

Greg felt his heart drop. He knew the after affects of this case were going to be bad, but now he was beginning to understand just how bad. He felt his hands start to shake slightly and knew they weren't going to be stopping anytime soon. He nodded slightly to Warrick before grabbing his keys and rushing out to his car. He didn't even tell Grissom he was leaving. There was no time for that. He had to get home before Nick did something stupid.

It truly was a miracle that Greg had gotten home with being pulled over, or getting into an accident. He drove faster than he ever had in his life, his hands shaking the whole way. He somehow managed to get all green lights and made it home in what was easily record time. He had barely parked the car in the driveway before he was slamming the car door behind him and rushing through the front door.

Once he got inside, Greg took a deep breath and tried to relax. He put his keys on the coffee table and tried went into the bedroom as calmly as possible. He had to squint in the darkness, but it was clear that Nick wasn't there. All that was there was Nick's navy blue sweatshirt and a folded piece of construction paper. Greg went over and picked up the handmade card, opening carefully as if it were an ancient document that was worth a fortune. He smiled sadly as he read the words and pictures drawn with crayon on the blue paper. He felt tears stinging his eyes and could only imagine what this had done to Nick.

Greg put the card back where it had been and retreated from the bedroom. He walked down the hall, glancing in the guest room before reaching the bathroom at the very end of the hall. He stood silently in the doorway, wishing that the light had been off. He stared down at Nick, who was lying on his back on the floor. Greg's breath caught in his throat. For what seemed like hours he stared at Nick's motionless body. Nick's chest didn't appear to be moving and he was so pale. Greg didn't have control over his body anymore, so he couldn't stop his knees from buckling. He fell to his knees slowly. They hit the tile floor right next to Nick's chest just as Nick's eyes fluttered open to stare up at Greg.

The lighter haired man had no air left in his lungs, so he couldn't speak. His mouth had gone completely dry, and he wouldn't know what to say even if he could say something. Nick silently raised his hand into the air. He let it linger there until Greg grabbed it in his own, squeezing it firmly. It was then that Nick finally spoke.

"She was only ten-years-old. But they didn't care." His voice was nothing above a whisper. "It didn't matter to them. They tried to kill her, even though she's just a little kid. How could they do that?"

"I don't know. But she's okay now, because **you** saved her." Greg said as he shook his head slowly.

Nick closed his eyes. "I thought they did something worse to her. I thought they did what she did to-" Nick stopped himself short, but not quite in time.

Instead of questioning him, Greg helped Nick sit up and lean against the cold wall. He cold tell from the temperature of Nick's skin and the paleness that Nick had undoubtedly thrown up at least a couple times before passing out. His entire body was shaking slightly and his breathing seemed to be causing him pain. Nick brought his knees up and rested his feet on the floor. Greg was still holding Nick's right hand in his left. He lightly brushed his thumb over the top of Nick's hand and didn't say a word, encouraging his boyfriend to go on.

"Remember that night we got into that fight because I was a jerk to you when I got home from work after a bad case? And I said you wouldn't understand even if I tried to tell you?"

Greg nodded. "Yeah." He said softly.

"Well..." Nick took a deep breath. "What I thought you wouldn't understand is...when I was nine, my parents went out to this party or something and they had to get a last minute babysitter. Everything was fine, until I went to bed. She came up about a half hour later and said that I had done something wrong and needed to be punished, or she would tell my parents. So she...took off my clothes and held me down. I tried to make her stop, but she wouldn't listen to me." Nick's voice dropped down to below a whisper. "Nothing has ever hurt so much..."

Nick trailed off as the silent tears fell from his eyes. He ripped his eyes from Greg's and stared at the floor between his feet. He started shaking harder than he had before and would have had to throw up again if he had anything left in his stomach. His ribs were sore, as was the rest of his body from all the shaking. He wanted to get up and run away, but didn't have the energy. No matter how much he wanted to get away, he knew there wasn't anywhere he'd rather be than sitting there with Greg, even though he thought the other man surely hated him right now.

Reading Nick's mind, Greg reached out with his free hand gently lifted Nick's head so they were looking into each other's eyes again. Greg gently caressed Nick's cheek under his left eye and gripped his hand tighter.

"What happened to you, wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You were just a kid. Something like that...it doesn't change you who are. I know that doesn't help much, but for what it's worth..." Greg trailed off, suddenly regretting what he was going to say.

"What?" Nick asked. "I get it if you hate me now and think I'm all fucked up. I know I am. I'll go if you want me to." He tried to stand up, but Greg held him down.

"Promise me you won't get mad?" Greg asked. Nick shook his head no. "Okay...well, I never told you this, but before you...I had never had a relationship before you. I had always been occupied with school and work and whatever, so I never had time and everything. But then I met you and made time..."

"What are you trying to say?" Nick asked.

Greg sighed. "You were my first."

Nick smiled slightly. "C'mon. You're kidding. Someone like you?"

"Yeah." Greg nodded slowly. "I never wanted to, I never saw the point. I know it sounds stupid, but I wanted to wait. I figured I lasted all through high school and college and I could wait even longer for someone I actually loved."

Nick shook his head slowly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid you'd get mad or freaked out or something. I didn't want to make it any more complicated than it had to be. I didn't want to fuck it up because I knew it was _you_ I had been waiting for."

Nick squeezed Greg's hand back and began to smile before an awful thought came to his mind. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No." But now that he thought about it, he too had a fear of his own. "I never did anything to make you think of...what happened...did I?"

Nick shook his head. "No. Trust me, if you had, I would have freaked out." He laughed slightly. "I wish I had been as smart as you and waited. It would have been a much better idea than everything I did."

"I bet it wasn't as bad as you think. Besides, that doesn't matter at all now. Everything's gonna be okay, I promise."

Despite the change in coversation, Nick still couldn't stop thinking about Cassie and what had happened to him as a child. He was also thinking about what Greg had told him, but the other man didn't mention it again. It was another conversation for another day.

Greg helped Nick to his feet and lead him into the living room. He knew there was no way Nick was going to be able to sleep, and figured that if they were both up they'd be more comfortable on the couch. Greg laid down first, near the edge, then Nick laid down in between Greg and the back of the couch. The younger man wrapped his arms around the other's shoulders as he rested his head on the blonde's chest. Greg grabbed the remote with his free right hand and turned the TV on.

It wasn't long before they silently agreed that nothing worth watching was on TV, so Greg clicked on their DVD player. _Dog Day Afternoon_, Greg's favorite movie, was still in it so he played it from the beginning with absolutely no protests from Nick at all. The Texan just snuggled up closer to Greg and drapped his arm around Greg's waist.

About halfway through the movie, they both started to get a little cold so Greg pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and threw it over them. He pulled Nick closer to him until he could feel his heart beating against his side. He had thought that Nick might have drifted off to sleep, but was proven wrong when he spoke.

"I'd do this for you if I had to." Nick said, referring to what Al Pacino's character was doing. It hadn't all been explained yet, but Nick had seen this movie enough to know it better than his own name.

Greg laughed. "You'd rob a bank for me if I wanted a sex change?"

"If you really wanted it, then yeah. Probably. Or just for any reason I guess. Ya know what would be more fun? Busting you outta jail though. So if you ever get arrested for killing Hodges or something, don't worry. I'll come up with something."

Greg smiled for the first time all day. He was so happy to see that Nick was starting to get back to his old self. Greg had known it was only going to be a matter of time. Nick had been through so much in his life, and it made him the strongest person Greg had ever known.

They fell into a pointless conversation, talking about nothing of too much importance. But that wasn't the point. It was just a clear sign that things were getting closer to being how the used to be before everything happened. They were acting just like they had before when all they would do was hang around.

It didn't matter what they did, as long as they were together.

* * *

There's going to be one more chapter to conclude the story. I'm not yet quite sure what it will entail. Any and all suggestions are welcome, and thanks so much for the reviews. They really do mean a lot. 


	16. Best of Me

Spoilers for "Fannysmackin". Set immediatly after the episode.

Song at the end is "Best of Me" by _The Starting Line._

* * *

Nick forced himself to sit down on the couch and stay still. He had been pacing up and down the house all day, cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned and moving stuff around to keep himself busy, even though he always ended up putting whatever it wa back where it had been before. Words couldn't describe how nervous he was. Words couldn't explain why he was so nervous either.

Greg was coming home from the hospital tonight. Nick guessed the reason he was so nervous was because he hadn't seen Greg in the three days he had been at the hospital. He had wanted to go see him, but Greg had told Sara to tell Nick as nicely as possible that Greg didn't want him to come. Nick had actually been relieved because he was so afraid to see Greg all beat up. He hadn't even been able to handle processing the crime scene let alone seeing him like that. But Nick felt guilty that he had felt relieved that Greg didn't want him to come. He should have wanted to be there and be supportive no matter what. But the truth was that Nick was terrified.

When he had heard what had happened, Nick remembered not being able to breathe. He remembered Warrick calming him down and assuring him Greg was going to be just fine. Nick still couldn't grasp the fact that something so awful had happened to Greg and that he hadn't been there to protect him. He was overwhelmed by his guilt and fear that Greg wasn't going to be okay that he hadn't heard Sara's car pull into the driveway or the footsteps come up the walkway. Nick didn't know Greg was home until the front door opened.

Nick jumped slightly and his head shot up. He locked eyes with Greg and the sight broke his heart. All the swelling had gone down, but his face was still extremely bruised and cut up. The parts of his skin that wasn't bruised or cut was very pale. Even from where he was sitting on the other side of the room, Nick could see Greg's eyes were full of fear and pain. The younger man closed the door behind him and stood there, glued to the spot.

Nick stood up and slowly walked over to Greg. As he got closer tears spilled from Greg's eyes and his hands started to shake beyond his control. Nick stopped in front of him and gently took Greg's hands in his and brushed his thumbs over the top of his hands slowly.

"I'm sorry I didn't want you to come. I just didn't want you to see me like that. I'm so-" Greg stammered, but Nick cut him off.

"I know sweetie. It's okay, I'm not mad at you. I understand."

Those words were all it took to make Greg break. He pulled his hands from Nick's only to grab two fistfuls of Nick's shirt and pull him forward, crushing their lips together. Greg pulled Nick to him until he was pinned up against the door behind him. The tears were still running down Greg's face and were now dripping onto Nick's shirt as Greg kissed him as hard as he could. Nick kissed Greg back, letting the other man get whatever he needed. When they pulled apart for air, Nick brushed away Greg's tears and ran his hands through his soft brown hair to calm him down. Greg hooked his thumbs through the belt loops on Nick's jeans and held onto his waist tightly as the other man slowly started walking backwards, leading Greg into the bedrom.

Once inside, Nick slowly took off Greg's clothes and replaced them with a pair of his own basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Nick quickly changed as well before turning his attention back to Greg. He wrapped his arms around the other man as sobs started taking over his body. He gently laid him down on the bed, holding him tightly to his chest. Greg buried his head in the crook of Nick's neck and held onto Nick's right arm as tightly as he could. Nick used his free left hand to rub soothing circles on Greg's back and ran it through his hair several times. Greg finally caught his breath and began to calm down, somewhat.

He held onto Nick's arm tighter to try and get his hands to stop shaking. His voice was shaking just as much when he said, "I killed someone." His voice was soft and slightly muffled because his head was buried against Nick, but the older man heard him.

"You were defending yourself. You did the right thing Greggo."

Greg rolled away from Nick so he could look him in the eyes. "How was that the right thing? I killed him. I'm a killer."

"You had no other choice. He would have killed that other guy and you too. It was his own fault that he made the decision to do what he did." Nick said softly. He propped himself up on his elbow and wiped away the fresh tears on Greg's cheeks.

"Maybe it should have been me." Greg choked out.

Nick felt his heart skip a beat at what Greg just said. He gently cupper the other's face and forced his boyfriend to look at him. "Don't ever say that again. What happened to you wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it at all. He forced you to make that decision and you did what you had to do. You did nothing wrong, and you are not a killer."

Greg smiled sadly up at Nick. "You'd love me no matter what wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, I would." Nick said as he smiled back. "Nothing could ever change that."

Nick laid back down and Greg snuggled up against him again. His tears slowed down, as did the shaking of his hands. Greg was still scared to death and was still very sore, but none of that mattered when he was laying next to Nick. The Texan made all the pain go away. There was nowhere Greg would rather be than where he was right now. But after a few minutes of laying in silence, Greg could tell by Nick's heartbeat and breathing that something was bothering him.

"What's wrong?" He asked suddenly.

Nick wrapped his arms tightly around Greg. "Nothing...I was just so afraid...I thought I lost you."

"But you didn't." Greg said, trying to reassure the older man.

But it didn't work as well as he had hoped. "I know. But when I found out, I had never been so scared in my life. I kept playing the worst case scenario over and over in my head. I have no idea what I would do without you. I can't live without you here. I just can't."

Greg craned his neck to look at Nick. "Then I guess it's a good thing that you don't have to." He said with a smile.

Nick nodded and mirrored Greg's smile. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."

* * *

They didn't exactly wake up the next morning because neither one of them had slept at all the previous night. They just laid there the whole night next to each other, occasionally talking but not feeling the need to at all times. When Greg coulnd't fight back the shaking or his tears Nick would hold him tighter and whisper sweet nothings in his ear that would almost immediatly calm him down. When he wanted to talk, Nick listened. When he didn't, he could just lay there with Nick and feel safe and most importantly, loved. 

When the light from outside sneaked inbetween the curtains they both silently agreed to get up and get some food. Greg looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks and Nick could use a bite too. They walked into the kitchen hand and hand before Greg sat down at the table and Nick went over to the stove to make eggs and bacon for the both of them.

As Greg watched Nick cook, he couldn't stop thinking about how luck the both of them were to have each other. They had both been through hell and wouldn't have made it if it weren't for each other. They had had their rough patch, but got through it because they knew they would always have the other by their side no matter what.

Nick brought the food over to the table and they began to eat. Greg stared down at his plate as he ate, still lost in thought. After a few minutes Nick began to worry, so he voiced it.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

Greg looked up and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Nick didn't quite believe Greg, but decided not to pry because whatever it was he obviously didn't want to talk about. So they went back to eating their breakfast in a comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company. Greg was still thinking about what he had been before; about how much they had been through together. He would have said something too if he had known Nick was thinking about the exact same things. Except Nick was thinking about something else as well that both made him happy and scared at the same time.

After they were done, Nick cleared the table and put the dishes into the dishwasher. Greg stood from the table and stretched for a minute before sighing heavily, getting Nick's attention.

"I'm gonna go take a quick shower." Greg said.

Nick nodded. "Okay." He said with a small smile.

Greg disappeared down the hall and it wasn't until he heard the shower going in the bathroom that Nick went into the living room and sank onto the couch. He didn't turn on the TV or stereo. He just sat there and thought about what he had been thinking about ever since he had been pulled from the hole. He hadn't seriously considered it until recently, and he still wasn't sure of it. He knew what would make him sure of it, but finding out the answer could pose more problems than it would solve.

Nick felt his heart beat increase ten-fold when he heard the bathroom door open. His head snapped up and he watched Greg walk down the hallway. He was only wearing a pair of navy blue sweapants that hung low enough on his hips to show the waistband of his grey boxers. He wasn't dressed up or anything. He wasn't even wearing a shirt. But Nick was convinced that that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, even with the bruises scattered across his tanned chest.

Greg was glad to see Nick was laying on the couch in a way that made it easy for him to snuggles himself up in between Nick's legs and lean back to rest against Nick's chest. The younger of the two sighed contently when the older wrapped his arms around him tightly and kissed the side of his head lightly. Greg looked at the TV, frowning when he noticed it wasn't on.

"Nothing good on TV?" He asked.

Nick shrugged. "I didn't even turn it on."

"Why?" Greg asked with a slight laugh.

"I was thinking." Nick answered simply.

"About what?"

Nick smiled at Greg's constanty curiosity. "You." He said honestly.

"I hope that's a god thing." Greg said jokingly.

"It depends really. I'm not sure yet." Nick said.

That got Greg a little worried. He shifted so he could look at Nick. He could tell by Nick's eyes that he something was on his mind that he was nervous about. That made Greg nervous as well.

"Well...what is it?" Greg asked cautiously.

Nick took a deep breath. "Okay...I've been thinking about this ever since I got outta the box and everything, but never seriously thought about it until a little while ago. Then with what happened to you and all..." He trailed off momentarily. "Anyway, I was just wondering if maybe we should...that it might be a good idea...I mean if you wanted to..."

Nick was clearly at a loss for words. Although he was unintentionally building suspense and making Greg more nervous, Nick's own nervousness was cute and Greg couldn't help but smile.

"Relax Nicky." Greg said softly.

Nick threaded his fingers through Greg's and held his hand firmly. He looked up into Greg's dark brown eyes and once he did he couldn't look away or stop the words from flowing past his lips.

"Do you want to get married?"

At first Greg thought Nick was kidding, but then he saw the sincerity in his eyes. Instead of being able to think, he was so surprised by the question that he answered it with one of his own. "Are you proposing or just asking a random question?"

Now it was Nick's turn to have to think. "I don't know. I guess sort of both?" Greg didn't say anything, so Nick just kept talking. "I always thought that if I ever asked someone that, it would be at this fancy restaurant and this whole big deal, like that's how it was supposed to be done. But the more I thought about it, the less it mattered _where_ I said it. It only mattered _who_ I said it to. And I've known for a long time that there's no one else I'd rather be with for the rest of my life than you."

"But it's not even legal. We'd have to go to Massachusetts or something..."

"I don't care what I'd have to do. I don't even care if you don't want to. I'll love you forever no matter what."

Greg stared into Nick's eyes for a long time before he finally said, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Nick nodded. "You're the only thing I've ever wanted so much that I actually _need_ you."

Greg smiled widely and pressed his lips to Nick's, giving the Texan his answer. Nothing else needed to be said. Nick pulled Greg as close to him as possible and they kissed long and slowly, not caring about anything else in the world. Nothing else mattered because they both had the only thing they would ever need for the rest of their lives.

_Tell me what you thought about  
When you were gone and so alone  
The worst is over  
You can have the best of me  
We got older, but we're still young  
We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up_

* * *

Thanks to everyone who read, and especially to those that reviewed this story. I enjoyed writing it very much and hoped you all enjoyed reading it.

I'm going to be writing another Nick/Greg fic soon that will focus again on their relationship and how it was put to the test, this time by the results of "Play with Fire."

Thanks again everyone.


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